it's 12:27am on wednesday morning. tonight we check into the hospital to begin the induction process. i tried to sleep but couldn't, so i'm back downstairs, watching a documentary about the great barrier reef and drinking warm milk. i am at once excited and absolutely.fucking.terrified.
matt and i laid down in bed tonight and held each other, trying to relish our last few minutes of just us, the 2 of us, where it all started. and i had to go and ruin the moment by starting to cry. matt just held my hand and wiped my tears until i could finally verbalize..."all of a sudden, i'm really scared." and that's when the real waterworks started. he tried to reassure me, "you'll do great tomorrow." but it's not just labor and delivery that i'm afraid of. what if the nurses hand me the baby and i don't feel anything? what if i just sit there and look at him and my only thought is, "i have no idea what the hell i'm doing here?" what if i mess it all up? what if i'm a terrible mother? suddenly i feel completely inadequate and unprepared.
sure, i've readied the nursery. we have all the necessary stuff for bringing a baby home. but do i have what it takes to raise a child? do i have the perseverance to deal with breastfeeding issues? will i be able to breastfeed at all? will i ever truly understand what his cries mean and how to meet his needs? will i be loving and responsive enough that he feels secure, but not overly smothering so that he never gains independence or learns to self-soothe? will i be able to nurture his development? will i be fun? will i be able to help him with his homework?
being a mom is a serious undertaking, and so many times i've questioned whether or not i'm ready. i guess i don't have a choice, at this point. he'll be here sometime within the next 48 hours (god willing!), and he'll be mine. mine and matt's. he'll be ours. we'll be a family. our own tiny little family.
wow. it's all so overwhelming....