the stuff the books don't tell you

a few things they don't mention in the books (at least, not that i ever read):

-discharge.  yes, they mention that you will have increased discharge throughout pregnancy, but i don't recall reading just how heavy it gets, especially towards the end.  for 5 days before my induction, i kept thinking my water broke.  i even called the ob and ended up in triage on saturday because I swore my water broke.  nope.  just lots of clear or whitish discharge.

-swelling (pregnancy).  again, i know they tell you that your hands will swell, but i definitely never read that they would feel arthritic.  i've had to have matt open things for me because my hands hurt so badly.  and no amount of water seems to help.  of all my friends who've had babies, only one had experienced this.

-swelling (postpartum).  you would think (at least I did) that having the baby and getting rid of all that fluid would help with the swelling.  be not fooled, friends.  my feet blew.up. after delivery.  it was downright comical; they looked cartoonish.

-sweating.  and to think, i thought i was sweating when i was pregnant.  ha!  i am sweating buckets overnight now.  i didn't know it was possible for a person to sweat so much from non-activity.

-cluster feeding.  admittedly, i didn't read a book specifically about breastfeeding, so maybe this is covered in one of those.  but i read a lot online, and found that i only heard about cluster feeding from my girlfriends.  and that has to be because cluster feeding sucks so badly, that no book will mention it lest they scare you off breastfeeding for life.  do yourself a favor and read about now.

-urinary issues.  all the books will tell you that you'll experience some urinary leakage.  psh.  because i was so swollen, i had, like, no feeling down there.  ok, that's a lie.  i had pain.  but i could not feel when i needed to pee, and therefore i ended up basically peeing myself a few times.  luckily, postpartum, you're wearing pads as thick as a mattress, so you never make a real mess, but it's a very unsettling feeling to know that, as a 33-year-old woman, you've just pissed yourself.

-worry.  we've all heard it a thousand times - as a mother, you never stop worrying.  they aren't kidding.  i think of myself as a pretty laid-back person, but even i find that i am constantly worried - is he getting enough to eat?  am i producing enough milk?  is he choking?  is my let-down too much for him?  is he warm enough?  is he happy?  am i responding to his cues right?  you get the gist. 

end of pregnancy

to my dear baby boy,

you are 38 weeks old today.  i can't believe we've come this far and are so close to meeting you.  i sat in your nursery last night and looked around at all the pictures and stuff we have for you.  it is all set up and just waiting for you to come home.  i am so proud of all the work your daddy did and how hard we both worked to make it a special place for you.  i just know that you're going to love it.  i sat on the glider and thought about having you in my arms in that room, and i just wept.  i cannot wait to meet you.

gosh, i can't believe how much you've grown - from a little sesame seed to a watermelon!  and i know you will just continue to grow and grow.  and we will want to freeze time, i'm sure.  because it will all go so fast, just like this time did for us.  in some ways it feels like just yesterday that the word "positive" showed up on that tiny screen.  in other ways, it feels like ages ago.  either way, it's been 34 weeks since we found out and i can't believe it.

i was going through your clothing last night and just can't wrap my head around the fact that you are going to be so little when we bring you home.  those tiny little shirts and pants and hats!  they're smaller than the clothing i used to dress my dolls in!  

up until the past week or so, i have been perfectly content keeping you on the inside, safe and warm and snuggly.  but it's eviction time, little dude.  mama's belly is full.  her hips and her back hurt.  and she can't do anything without requiring major effort - you would laugh if you saw her trying to roll over in bed!  mama keeps telling you to wait until january, but you don't have to listen to her - this is one time in your life you're allowed to disobey me, so you should take advantage while you can!  anytime you're ready, we're ready for you. we'll be here, with open arms, open hearts, sappy smiles, lots of tears, and most likely some annoying camera flashes.  daddy will play guitar for you, mama will sing to you, and padfoot...well, she'll probably just sit and stare at you. 

hurry up, little one...i'm not sure my heart can take much more waiting! 

love,
mama

bothers me...

you know what really bothers me?  ok, background a bit.  have you heard of placenta encapsulation?  it's where you pay someone to come, take your placenta, dry it out, then encapsulate it into pills for you to digest post-partum.  the belief is that it helps fight post-partum depression because it contains all your pregnancy hormones, so you don't have that sudden drop/spike of hormonal changes that can contribute to ppd.  the side effects or negatives?  none, really.  i dunno, i think it sounds pretty brilliant, and if it didn't cost $200-$300 or whatever, i actually totally think i'd do it. 

so you know what really bothers me?  when people go, "have you heard about these people who eat their placenta?  that is so disgusting."  dudes, they're not eating their placenta.  they're not sitting down at the dinner table with some fava beans and a nice chianti. this isn't silence of the lambs type shit.  this is someone whisks it away and then shows back up with some pills.  it's really not that gross - get over it, people.

pregnancy would be so much easier if....

- i could hire a masseuse to live with us full-time  OR

- my couch and bed were heated and equipped with nail salon-type massagers

- i could afford a weekly maid  AND

- hubs would let me hire a cleaning service for before and after our big family holiday party

- i could somehow block baby boy from entering my rib cage

- i could hook up iv fluids to myself...without actually needing an iv (cuz that bitch hurt)

- i had free reign to punch people who are stupid

my thoughts on pregnancy - part 2

i can't believe my first post on my thoughts on pregnancy was a mere 8 weeks ago.  it feels like so much longer!  and things have really changed.

i have finally grasped the concept that i am definitely pregnant now.  i have a squirmy little baby in there and he makes his presence pretty well-known.  either with his little kicks, punches, and somersaults, or with his desire to nestle up in my ribs, i am very well aware of his existence at all times.  i love knowing he's there, and even though it sometimes hurts (i seriously think i may have a fractured rib by the end of this thing), i think that i will never tire of feeling him wiggle around in there.

i like to imagine that he's a polite little kicker/puncher.  like, he's just trying to mind his own business and stretch out, and when he hits me, he quickly says, "oops, sorry, mama" or "oh, excuse me."  i told matt my theory this morning.  he laughed at me.  but i'm certain that we have a little boy who already knows his manners. 

while i know he's there, i don't talk to him as much as i thought i would.  and matt has yet to really talk to him.  the only time i really directly address him is to politely ask him to please remove himself from my ribcage.  otherwise, we talk about him, but not really to him.  at first this really bothered me - aren't i supposed to be talking to him?  is it saying something about the mother i'm going to be if i'm not talking to my unborn child in my belly?  but i finally realized that it's not.  i show him my love by making sure i take care of myself and, by extension, him. 

i really thought that having people touch my belly would bother me.  i simply could not imagine how i would be comfortable with people encroaching on my personal space.  but it doesn't bother me.  people touch the belly and i'm totally ok with it.  i couldn't really figure out why, but sweet, brilliant sara at then comes life nailed it - it's because it means that this baby boy is already so loved, even by people who barely know me.  that is amazing.

i always knew i was a hippie born in the wrong age.  i've never been super-crunchy, but i've always embraced the hippie mentality of taking life as it comes and playing with the hand you're dealt.  but as i prepare myself to become a mother, i'm finding that many of the choices we're making for our child are pretty crunchy.  we're planning to cloth diaper.  i hope to breastfeed exclusively until we start baby-led weaning.  i intend to baby-wear as much as i can.

and i hope to have an intervention-free labor and delivery.  at the wedding we went to last weekend, i told my old college roommate this (after she asked if i planned to have an epidural).  her immediate response was, "i knew you'd be one of those moms."  she didn't meant it in a bad way.  she never understood my hippie ways in college, and so it was no surprise to her that i would want to continue being a hippie as an adult and into motherhood.

i saw this quote the other day, and i really want to use it in baby boy's nursery.  "where there is great love, there are miracles" (willa cather).  his daddy and i have a great love, and he is our little miracle.  and there is no greater feeling than that. 

a scary day

we had a little adventure of sorts on wednesday.  i guess it started over the weekend, cuz i think that's when i first noticed i was having cramps.  they were usually only in the morning, right when i first woke up.  it felt like how it used to feel when i woke up the morning i got my period - they felt exactly like menstrual cramps.  i did a bit of consulting with dr. google and found that they are pretty common and nothing to be concerned about, so i let it go.  monday and tuesday, i was just not really feeling myself, but i chalked it up to the fact that this kid seems to think that my ribcage is the most comfortable spot, and it really hurts, so i thought i was just uncomfortable.  i did call my ob on tuesday and spoke to the nurse about the cramps, but she reassured me that unless they're accompanied by bleeding or they're not getting better with rest, they aren't anything to be concerned about.

wednesday, i really felt like i was having an off day.  i didn't feel like myself at all.  i was sluggish and uncomfortable, and the cramps just weren't going away.  after lunch, i felt really uncomfortable, but it mostly felt like i ate too much.  and i felt like i had really bad gas.  so around 3pm, i went for a walk around the block outside the hospital to try to get things moving and hopefully feel better.  as i was walking, though, i realized that something just wasn't right.  something just felt wrong.  i couldn't put my finger on it, but it just...it was just wrong.  i fought back tears the rest of the walk there, and then when i got back to my office i sat down at my desk and started to cry, then i asked my coworkers to get a nurse to come and take my blood pressure.  they grabbed a nurse from the floor and he came in and took my vitals.  everything was normal, but i still just didn't feel right.  i wanted to just go home and rest until my scheduled ob appointment that night, but my coworkers convinced me to go down to the petu (perinatal exam and treatment unit).  i let them escort me downstairs and they stayed with me until i got checked in.

i was taken back to my room and given a gown to change into.  the nurse hooked me up to 2 monitors - one to monitor the baby's heart rate, and the other to monitor movements/contractions in my uterus.  once she walked out of the room, i burst into tears (again).  i was just so scared.  i called matt and told him where i was.  he was in the middle of something at work, and since i hadn't even seen the doctor yet, i had no idea how long i'd be there, so i told him to finish up and then call me when he was done.  35 minutes later, i still hadn't seen the doctor, so when matt called back, i told him to come down.  in the meantime, the nurse came in to draw blood and hang some iv fluids.  she told me that since i was having some contractions, they were concerned that i was dehydrated.  i was surprised to hear that i was having contractions, since i wasn't really feeling anything, so i asked her how much.  she said i was having about one per minute!  wwhhhhaaaaaa?!   i couldn't believe it.  when she tried the vein on my left arm, it went in fine, but within 10 seconds a huge bubble formed behind it and she had to pull it.  she placed the iv on my right hand and that went fine.  while all of this was going on, the doctor and matt arrived, pretty much at the same time, around 5:15.  i went through a brief medical history and pregnancy history with the doctor, and then she did a speculum exam.  since they didn't think i'd need an internal exam, they'd put me in a room with a regular bed, which meant that for the speculum exam, i had to balance my butt on an overturned bedpan and lay with legs bent, feet touching.  that was, far and away, the most uncomfortable speculum exam i've ever had.  she took 3 swabs and then removed the speculum and helped me off the bedpan.  after that, she did a cervix check to make sure i wasn't dilated - i was still totally closed.  so they left us there, waiting for the blood work results.

the first bag of fluids finished in about 45 minutes, and then i had to pee.  so we had to unhook the monitors and i had to carry the plugs and the empty bag and all the lines with me into the bathroom.  that should be an olympic event - peeing while holding onto all that stuff and making sure the monitors/belts don't fall into the toilet.  matt and i got me back into bed and all hooked up again, and the nurse came in to hang another bag of fluids.  at this point, i was actually starting to feel some of the contractions.  but baby's heart rate was looking good and he was definitely moving around a lot, so they took his monitor off.  weirdly enough, even though i was now feeling the contractions, they were slowing down a bit.  the nurse came back in to say that all the blood work and urine screens were negative, and we were just waiting to see if the contractions slowed down a bit more and then the doctor would do another cervix check.

finally, around 8pm (about 4 hours after i got there), the doctor came in to confirm that the contractions had slowed and they were no longer concerned about preterm labor.  one of the swabs she did during the speculum exam was the fetal fibronectin test (ffn).  this test detects the presence of fetal fibronectin protein on the cervix.  a positive result is an indicator that preterm labor may be occuring, but it's not very accurate.  but a negative result will definitively rule out the likelihood that preterm labor will start within 2 weeks.  my result was negative, so i know that baby boy should stay cooking for another 2 weeks, at least.  hallelujah!  the doctor did another cervix check, and i was still closed, so they felt comfortable discharging me.  they did tell me to take thursday off from work to rest, and told me i really need to monitor my fluid intake. 

so i stayed home from work yesterday and rested.  i rescheduled my ob appointment and they were able to fit me in yesterday, so i spoke to my regular doctor and they confirmed that with the negative blood work they are not too concerned.  she just told me to take it easy and not push myself (which i definitely feel like i've been doing), and stay on top of  my fluids.  she said that the cramps i'm having are normal braxton hicks contractions, but if i start to feel like my uterus is "balling" up and my stomach is getting hard, that is a real contraction, and if i have more than 3-4 in an hour, i need to call them right away.

i downloaded an app on my phone that sends me reminders when i haven't logged a glass of water in a while.  i have it set for 12 8oz glasses per day.  i start my day off with a bottle of water, which i try to finish before i even get to work.  then while i'm at work, i have a 16oz tumbler on my desk.  my goal has always been to drink 3 per day, but i'm usually lucky if i get 2 down.  i am really going to work harder on getting all 3 down every day.  it's hard, though!  but if i can do that, that is already 8 8oz glasses!

i'm back at work today and i'm feeling a bit better.  still a little...wiped out, but i think that is to be expected.  i am still having that crampy feeling, and i did feel one real contraction this afternooon.  i am still very nervous, and trying to limit the walking i'm doing at work.  tonight i'm going to get a maternity support belt to help hold up my stomach, because it feels very low and heavy sometimes.  my mom was supposed to come down this weekend to help me with some stuff for the nursery, but an emergency came up and she probably won't be able to make it.  it's probably for the best - it'll force me to rest a bit more. 

not a good day

this has not been a good day for me, you guys.  i am not in a good head space.  rationally, i know that it is 80% hormonal, but nonetheless, i just spent my entire train ride home fighting tears, only to completely unleash in a full sobbing jag in the car and for the past 15 minutes.

i am so tired of people telling me how big i am.  of people saying, "wait, you're not due till january?!  wow!"  of people exclaiming that i look like i'm ready to pop.  what is it about pregnancy that makes people completely forget their manners?  just because i'm pregnant and i have a legitimate reason for an expanding belly doesn't automatically mean that i'm totally comfortable with the idea of an expanding belly. 

i have gained 17 pounds since i got pregnant.  i have never weighed this much in my life, and while i know that i am gaining weight because i'm creating and nourishing and nurturing a human being, it is unnerving to realize that my little 5'3" body is carrying 17 extra pounds.  i know it's just a number on a scale, but it's a scary number, and one that i've never seen before. 

having people constantly remind me that i'm "so big" is not helping.  i am big for 25 weeks - i know i am.  but i am a little person.  i am short-waisted.  i have nowhere for this baby to go but out.  and i have 15 weeks to go, which means that i am only going to get bigger.  and more uncomfortable. 

i am also tired of people telling me that i'm going to have a big baby.  or that he's going to come early.  a big baby or an early baby are not things that make a mama-to-be happy to hear, despite what you may think.  a big baby terrifies me, for a number of reasons.  the first being that i want him to be healthy.  i am already feeling like i'm having trouble processing sugar, so the idea that my baby is big is extra scary, because all i can think about is gestational diabetes and macrosomia.  the second reason is because i want to have a natural delivery, and i know that if we have a big baby, the chances of that are slim.  the last reason is that i want to have a full-term delivery.  i know that babies are considered full term at 37 weeks, and that's great, but i'd like to keep him cooking for as close to 40 weeks as i can. yes, at this moment, baby is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, but our ultrasound tech assures me that he's still falling well within the normal range and i shouldn't worry. 

and today, i just feel huge.  i am uncomfortable.  my back aches.  my stomach feels so stretched it's like it's trying to detach itself from my body.  i am not a happy pregnant woman today.  and having 3 people tell me i'm ready to pop and that my big baby is coming early is not helping.  i feel overwhelmed and scared and sad.  right now, i just want to crawl into a hole and finish out this pregnancy with just me, matt, and my family.  i want to stop seeing people.  i want to stop having people on the street stare at me like i'm a freak of nature. 

but most of all, i just want people to stop commenting on my belly.  is that too much to ask?

my thoughts on pregnancy

i'm 20 weeks and 1 day in.  if it weren't for this big belly that's popping out of me, i honestly wouldn't even know i was pregnant.  yes, i'm tired, but i have gone through fits of this my whole life.  yes, my tailbone hurts, but that could be from anything.  yes, i'm constantly hungry, but i've had periods like this before, where i'm ravenous all the time.  yes, i'm having food cravings, but cravings have come and gone for me over the years (i specifically remember i went through a salad phase in high school where all i wanted was salad).   i'm not feeling him move yet.  i never experienced any morning sickness or extreme exhaustion.  my complexion is, for the most part (knock on wood), still holding up.

i'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this whole "i'm creating a human being" thing.  despite the fact that i've now had 6 ultrasounds and have seen my baby pretty much every other week since 12 weeks, i just still can't comprehend the fact that there's a little person growing inside of me.  i just don't feel like i really believe it yet.

because of this, i sometimes feel like i'm faking my excitement.  i just don't know how to get excited about something when i can't believe that it's real yet!  i thought maybe once we knew the sex and i could define a "personality" to the baby i'd feel differently, but it still just kind of feels surreal.  maybe once i start feeling him? 

don't get me wrong, i am so excited that we're going to have a baby.  i have wanted to be a mama for as long as i can remember, and i cannot wait to meet this little dude.  i can't wait to hold him in my arms, smell him, and smother him with kisses.  i can't wait to see matt as a daddy. 

i just can't believe it's actually happening, that's all. 

when pregnancy hurts

i always expected that there would aspects of pregnancy that would be uncomfortable.  you get swollen and your belly gets heavy and - oh yeah - there's that whole shoving a baby out your hoo-ha thing. 

what i didn't expect?  round ligament pain.  holy shit, this hurts.  it feels kind of like i'm being stabbed in my belly.  or my abdomen is being torn open.  or my muscles are tearing.  or maybe all of them all at once.  it hurts just sitting still, but when i move?  yowsa!  i've seen stars a couple of times.

apparently this lasts off and on throughout the second trimester, but tends to be the worst around weeks 14-15 (this is when the hormone, relaxin, is at its peak). 

toxo update

i saw the high-risk ob on monday.  they did an ultrasound, and so far everything looks ok, but the doctor was careful to remind me that it's still early. 

i had a long talk with the ob, and he told me that my initial blood work was positive for the igm toxoplasmosis marker, which is the one that indicates a newer infection and raises a red flag.  so they took additional blood work that they will send out to the specialty lab out in palo alto, ca.  this is the only lab in the country that analyzes blood work for toxo.  the ob told me that if the test comes back positive, they will continue to monitor with ultrasounds.  they will also treat me with antibiotics to try to help prevent transmission to the baby.

while meeting with the ob, he also told me that due to a leep i had back in 2001 to remove precancerous lesions from my cervix, i am at risk for incompetent cervix.  incompetent cervix basically means that my cervix may be weakened from the surgery, and may begin to dilate without me knowing it.  a regular pelvic exam may not catch it because the top of the cervix may begin to dilate even though the bottom appears normal.  so i will have to get transvaginal ultrasounds every other week from now through 26 weeks to monitor my cervix.  if after 26 weeks it is ok, they will back off on the ultrasounds. 

after i finished with the ob, he sent me up to the maternal-fetal medicine office to do the paperwork for the lab work.  the nurse told me that they will overnight the blood work to the lab in palo alto, and that i should have the results in about a week.  i was thrilled with a week - being that this is the only lab in the country that does this sort of thing, i was expecting 3-4 weeks.  i had to pay out of pocket for the lab work, because the lab doesn't work with insurances.  so i put $658 on my credit card and will submit the receipts to my insurance for reimbursement.  definitely not something i was expecting, but i'm willing to do it for the baby.

after we finished the paperwork, it was back down to the lab to get my blood drawn.  finally, after about 2 hours (total, not just in the lab), i was able to go home.  as soon as i left the lab, i was choking back tears, and once in the car, i was a mess.  i mean, really, it was mostly good news.  and i am glad that they are going to continue monitoring me and staying on top of any potential issues.  but it was a lot, especially with the unexpected incompetent cervix thrown in, and after 2+ hours, i was just tired and overwhelmed.  so i just broke down.  i got myself back together to call matt and then called my mom.  i held it together for most of that phone call, until telling her about the picture the ultrasound tech took (coming up).  i couldn't even finish the sentence until i started sobbing.  it was brutal.

i am scared and nervous but trying to stay positive.  during the ultrasound, the tech took a picture that was just the baby's hand.  it was fully-opened, so you could see all 5 fingers.  the tech typed "hi mom" underneath the picture.  every time i look at it, i try to remind myself that it was the baby telling us "hey guys!  i'm ok in here!  don't worry about me!" 

toxoplasmosis

i got a call from my ob yesterday saying she needed to talk to me about some lab results.  i called her back immediately and she told me that my test results came back with a positive screen for toxoplasmosis.  she told me that i needed to call the high-risk ob at my hospital and schedule a consult asap, which would include additional blood work to be taken and sent out to california.

of course, i immediately turned to dr. google to try to get some more information.  it looks like there are two toxoplasmosis markers - igg and igm.  positive igg indicates that you have antibodies for toxoplasmosis, and it is unlikely to cause harm to you or the baby.  usually you have toxoplasmosis antibodies from a previous infection and are now immune to it.  igm means that you have a more recent infection, and puts mom and baby at a higher risk.  for mom it means a higher risk of miscarriage or other complications, and for baby it means a higher risk of neurological defects after birth. 

i am definitely nervous since padfoot had toxoplasmosis shortly after we got her. so unless i have an old infection and antibodies from our cat growing up, this is a relatively new infection.  from what i've read, it takes 6 months to 2 years to build up the antibodies.  we're looking at a time frame of about 2 months from padfoot's infection to me getting pregnant.

i have an appointment scheduled for monday at the high-risk prenatal care office.  they will do the additional blood work and send it out to the special lab in palo alto, ca.  they will also do an ultrasound to check for any developmental issues in the baby. 

i'm trying to stay positive and convince myself that this is just antibodies that i must have developed a thousand years ago from our cat growing up, but it definitely has me on edge seeing as how padfoot just had the infection.  hoping the ultrasound looks ok and the blood work comes back a) quickly and b) negative.  i'll be sure to keep you guys posted on everything and on our experience!

sources: here, here, here

the bloat

ok, so i wasn't kidding.  want to see the effect of a day's worth of bloat on my belly?

here's my "before" picture - saturday morning, 8:30am, before any food.

and the "after" - saturday night, 10pm, after a full day of meals and about 64oz of water.

ugh, please excuse my disheveled appearance.  we spent the day doing yard work. 

pregnancy purchases

up until today, i hadn't bought much for me or baby.  i downloaded what to expect when you're expecting a few months ago on my phone and have been slowly working my way through that.  other than that, though, i hadn't really spent any money on anything.

on our trip to georgia, abriel lent me a few books.  i finished the girlfriend's guide to pregnancy, which was funny.  it also gives you real advice about what to expect and how to deal with it.  it doesn't shy away from topics that other books might.  parts of it really felt like i was just gossiping with an old friend.  it was a good starter book, i think.

source: from amazon

abriel also lent me the pregnancy instruction manual, which is almost like condensed version of what to expect.  so far, i've only read through the first trimester. 

source: from amazon

she lent matt the new dad's survival guide, which he plans to start reading once he finishes lovely bones.

source: from amazon

 and she lent us the happiest baby on the block.  i'm really glad she lent it to us, because i was definitely planning to purchase it if she hadn't.  from what i've read, it is one of the the books for sleep training.  

source: from amazon

she recommended we find the latest version of baby bargains.  she said it saved her and dave probably $500 on baby gear.  so i was out and about an picked that up today.  i'm definitely looking forward to digging into that.  i'm always looking for a good bargain - moderate price with great reviews! 

source: from amazon

i also picked up the baby name wizard.  i have a few names in mind for a girl, and only one for a boy.  and i'm not sure matt really likes any of them, ha ha.  hopefully by going through this book we can find something that we both like. 

source: from amazon

last but not least, i ordered the book pregnancy, childbirth, and the newborn. 

source: from amazon

i wanted a book that would tell me what to expect, not from pregnancy, but from the actual labor and delivery.  i wanted it to be unbiased.  i just want the facts.  i looked into the ina may gaskin book, but some of the reviews said that it was very unbiased against hospital births.  since i plan to deliver in a hospital, i don't want to read all the ways in which hospitals are terrible.  i thought about the bradley method book, but again, it had horror stories about hospital births, and that's not what i want to read.  not that i don't want to hear about the things that can go wrong, but i want it to be presented in such a way that it's not "hospitals are terrible, home births are best!"  the reviews of the book i ended up with said that it was fair and balanced and provided a real, honest look at childbirth.

today while i was out at target i picked up a couple of belly bands.  some of my work pants are close to being uncomfortable, and all of my shorts are.  so hopefully this will help me get some more wear out of them. 

based on reviews on hellobee, i ordered 2 coobie bras.  i came across it because one of the bees had a bogo coupon code, and everyone started raving about the bras on the post.  so i went ahead and ordered 2.  dude, they are so comfortable.  they are one-size-fits-all, and they grow with your expanding cup size as you go through your pregnancy.  they are also nursing-friendly.  i bought them mostly for sleeping because it's starting to get a little uncomfortable at night, but i may get a few more and make them a regular part of my wardrobe.  definitely check them out!

i'm hoping to hold off a bit longer on maternity clothing, although if this bloating keeps up, i see maternity pants nearer in my future than i anticipated.  anything you think i'm missing?  any books you couldn't live without during pregnancy? 

i just realized....

i can't do rollercoasters this summer!  that means no hersheypark.  we were planning to go once or twice this summer since they opened up a new coaster that looks pretty awesome.  guess that's out!

source: from pennlive

that means no six flags.  every year, my work hosts a day at six flags in nj - for $90, you get two park tickets (which includes the amusement park, water park, and safari), a parking pass, and free lunch at their designated picnic area!  matt and i have gone the past 3 years.  cuz we're total rollercoaster junkies.  not this year!

source: from wikipedia

that also means no universal studios and - worst of all - no harry potter!  we've been talking about going back down to orlando in the fall with my sister and her husband.  we'd stay at my parents' place in the villages, which is about an hour north of orlando.  matt and i went in october and it was probably our favorite vacation ever.  we relaxed a lot and we also spent a few days at universal studios.  we did harry potter world, of course, which was, like, the greatest place in the entire world.  the best ride of the day was definitely the harry potter ride.  and the rip, ride, rock-it rollercoaster.  both of those are definitely out of the question for me this year!

source: from orlandosentinel

man, that's a bummer.  i love me some summertime amusement park fun!

7 weeks

baby is the size of: a blueberry
how far along are you: 7 weeks 1 day
what's happening with baby: hands and feet are emerging.  baby has doubled in size since last week.  eyelid folds partially cover baby's eyes, which already have some color.  both hemispheres of the brain are growing, and the liver is churning out red blood cells.  baby has an appendix and a pancreas.  a loop in the intestines is bulging into baby's umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to/from baby's body.
due date: according to babycenter.com's estimation, jan 11

maternity clothes: nope.  in fact, everything fit a bit better this week
sleep: not so great, but i've been hot and stuffy
best moment this week: when matt told me he's going to start reading the book for dads-to-be that we borrowed from abriel (after he finishes lovely bones)
food cravings: nothing out of the ordinary
food/smell aversions: no aversions, but i had a square of dark chocolate on thursday and it left the absolute worst taste in my mouth.  i hope pregnancy isn't ruining the taste of dark chocolate for me.  i'll seriously cry.
symptoms: still some bloating and very mild boob soreness.  i was nauseated monday and tuesday morning, but i also felt like i was fighting back a migraine
gender: still feeling girl
belly button: in
wedding rings: on

spreading the news

so i have seriously been agonizing over this decision.  because that's what i do.  i overthink and worry about things to the point of total exhaustion and then i give up and make a decision and then i still think about it too much and wonder if i made the right decision, even after i make the decision and the event happens.  i'm awesome like that. 

so far the pregnancy is known to: me, matt, callie (my sister), anthony (her husband), and abriel, dave, and cal (our friends in georgia).  and a few of abriel and dave's friends in peachtree city.  but i'm pretty sure i can trust them.  i've been trying to decide when and how to tell our families, followed by my bosses, and then a slow trickle to our closest friends, followed by the official facebook announcement to the general public. 

timing-wise, it looks like it's going down like this.  matt and i have hosted a small, immediately-family-only party for the 4th of july every year for the past 3 years.  since the 4th falls on a tuesday this year, we had to alter our plans.  so we thought we'd throw the party on one of the weekends before and make the announcement to our families then.  my hope was that we could have the party on the 23rd of june.  i'll be 11 weeks on the 22nd, so it seemed like good timing.  we could tell our parents then, and then over the next week i'd tell my bosses and our closest friends, and then on/around july 4th, make it facebook-official.  unfortunately, the 23rd didn't work for all parties (namely, my mom and jeff) so we had to make it the 30th.  i'll be 12 weeks.  i know it's only one additional week, but it feels like a big difference.  i could be showing by 12 weeks.  i really want to tell our families and my bosses before i get a response like, "uh, yeah, duh...i kinda figured."  i'd like to avoid that, if at all possible. 

then, my sister brought up the excellent point that maybe we should tell my dad separately.  he hasn't remarried and would be coming to the party alone.  it could potentially be awkward for him to hear the good news with his ex-wife, her new husband, and his entire family.  at first i thought it was silly, that he would just be happy, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized she was probably right.  so now, i've scheduled a haircut in hershey (yes, i still drive 90 minutes back to hershey just for a haircut!) for the 23rd and we'll  meet up with my dad for lunch or dinner and tell him he's gonna be a grandpa!  then leave it up to him to come to the party or not.  since i'm definitely worried about showing by 12 weeks, i'm going to keep an eye on my belly.  if i feel like i'm starting to look pregnant by the 23rd, then we'll alter our plans and we'll just visit each of our parents and give them the good news separately. 

if we're able to hold out until the party, our plan is to tell everyone that we want to get a group photo.  matt and i will take the picture, and when we count down for the photo, we'll just say "1, 2,....we're pregnant!"  i'll set my camera to take multiple shots at once and we'll be able to document everyone's reactions.  i'm hoping we can wait and do this, because it would be so fun to get a good shot and frame it in the nursery.  right?!  how cute would it be for baby to see how excited his/her family was to learn he/she was coming?!  i die. 

once the family knows, then i'll tell my bosses, coworkers, and bffs.  what do you think?  is 12 weeks too late? 

i'm talking myself out of pregnancy

i'm 6w5d and don't feel pregnant.  my boobs are a little sore.  the past 2 mornings, i had a headache and some nausea, but it was also dreary, rainy, humid weather, which is a perfect trigger for migraines.  this morning i felt fine. 

you've heard of psychosomatic pregnancy, right?  where a woman believes so strongly that she's pregnant that her body starts to mimic actual pregnancy symptoms?  i wonder if there is an opposite kind of thing.  where, like, i'm still not really convinced that i'm pregnant so i'm making my body behave as if i'm not? 

i'm dying here, waiting for our first appointment.  it's still a week and a half away.  all i want to know is if i'm legitimately pregnant and if everything is measuring ok!  it's a whole new 2ww and it's fucking brutal.

also, something outside my office door is making the most obnoxious sound in the world and i want to find it and kill it.