it's 12:27am on wednesday morning. tonight we check into the hospital to begin the induction process. i tried to sleep but couldn't, so i'm back downstairs, watching a documentary about the great barrier reef and drinking warm milk. i am at once excited and absolutely.fucking.terrified.
matt and i laid down in bed tonight and held each other, trying to relish our last few minutes of just us, the 2 of us, where it all started. and i had to go and ruin the moment by starting to cry. matt just held my hand and wiped my tears until i could finally verbalize..."all of a sudden, i'm really scared." and that's when the real waterworks started. he tried to reassure me, "you'll do great tomorrow." but it's not just labor and delivery that i'm afraid of. what if the nurses hand me the baby and i don't feel anything? what if i just sit there and look at him and my only thought is, "i have no idea what the hell i'm doing here?" what if i mess it all up? what if i'm a terrible mother? suddenly i feel completely inadequate and unprepared.
sure, i've readied the nursery. we have all the necessary stuff for bringing a baby home. but do i have what it takes to raise a child? do i have the perseverance to deal with breastfeeding issues? will i be able to breastfeed at all? will i ever truly understand what his cries mean and how to meet his needs? will i be loving and responsive enough that he feels secure, but not overly smothering so that he never gains independence or learns to self-soothe? will i be able to nurture his development? will i be fun? will i be able to help him with his homework?
being a mom is a serious undertaking, and so many times i've questioned whether or not i'm ready. i guess i don't have a choice, at this point. he'll be here sometime within the next 48 hours (god willing!), and he'll be mine. mine and matt's. he'll be ours. we'll be a family. our own tiny little family.
wow. it's all so overwhelming....
Showing posts with label deep thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deep thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Thursday, December 27, 2012
end of pregnancy
to my dear baby boy,
you are 38 weeks old today. i can't believe we've come this far and are so close to meeting you. i sat in your nursery last night and looked around at all the pictures and stuff we have for you. it is all set up and just waiting for you to come home. i am so proud of all the work your daddy did and how hard we both worked to make it a special place for you. i just know that you're going to love it. i sat on the glider and thought about having you in my arms in that room, and i just wept. i cannot wait to meet you.
gosh, i can't believe how much you've grown - from a little sesame seed to a watermelon! and i know you will just continue to grow and grow. and we will want to freeze time, i'm sure. because it will all go so fast, just like this time did for us. in some ways it feels like just yesterday that the word "positive" showed up on that tiny screen. in other ways, it feels like ages ago. either way, it's been 34 weeks since we found out and i can't believe it.
i was going through your clothing last night and just can't wrap my head around the fact that you are going to be so little when we bring you home. those tiny little shirts and pants and hats! they're smaller than the clothing i used to dress my dolls in!
up until the past week or so, i have been perfectly content keeping you on the inside, safe and warm and snuggly. but it's eviction time, little dude. mama's belly is full. her hips and her back hurt. and she can't do anything without requiring major effort - you would laugh if you saw her trying to roll over in bed! mama keeps telling you to wait until january, but you don't have to listen to her - this is one time in your life you're allowed to disobey me, so you should take advantage while you can! anytime you're ready, we're ready for you. we'll be here, with open arms, open hearts, sappy smiles, lots of tears, and most likely some annoying camera flashes. daddy will play guitar for you, mama will sing to you, and padfoot...well, she'll probably just sit and stare at you.
hurry up, little one...i'm not sure my heart can take much more waiting!
love,
mama
you are 38 weeks old today. i can't believe we've come this far and are so close to meeting you. i sat in your nursery last night and looked around at all the pictures and stuff we have for you. it is all set up and just waiting for you to come home. i am so proud of all the work your daddy did and how hard we both worked to make it a special place for you. i just know that you're going to love it. i sat on the glider and thought about having you in my arms in that room, and i just wept. i cannot wait to meet you.
gosh, i can't believe how much you've grown - from a little sesame seed to a watermelon! and i know you will just continue to grow and grow. and we will want to freeze time, i'm sure. because it will all go so fast, just like this time did for us. in some ways it feels like just yesterday that the word "positive" showed up on that tiny screen. in other ways, it feels like ages ago. either way, it's been 34 weeks since we found out and i can't believe it.
i was going through your clothing last night and just can't wrap my head around the fact that you are going to be so little when we bring you home. those tiny little shirts and pants and hats! they're smaller than the clothing i used to dress my dolls in!
up until the past week or so, i have been perfectly content keeping you on the inside, safe and warm and snuggly. but it's eviction time, little dude. mama's belly is full. her hips and her back hurt. and she can't do anything without requiring major effort - you would laugh if you saw her trying to roll over in bed! mama keeps telling you to wait until january, but you don't have to listen to her - this is one time in your life you're allowed to disobey me, so you should take advantage while you can! anytime you're ready, we're ready for you. we'll be here, with open arms, open hearts, sappy smiles, lots of tears, and most likely some annoying camera flashes. daddy will play guitar for you, mama will sing to you, and padfoot...well, she'll probably just sit and stare at you.
hurry up, little one...i'm not sure my heart can take much more waiting!
love,
mama
Monday, October 22, 2012
my thoughts on pregnancy - part 2
i can't believe my first post on my thoughts on pregnancy was a mere 8 weeks ago. it feels like so much longer! and things have really changed.
i have finally grasped the concept that i am definitely pregnant now. i have a squirmy little baby in there and he makes his presence pretty well-known. either with his little kicks, punches, and somersaults, or with his desire to nestle up in my ribs, i am very well aware of his existence at all times. i love knowing he's there, and even though it sometimes hurts (i seriously think i may have a fractured rib by the end of this thing), i think that i will never tire of feeling him wiggle around in there.
i like to imagine that he's a polite little kicker/puncher. like, he's just trying to mind his own business and stretch out, and when he hits me, he quickly says, "oops, sorry, mama" or "oh, excuse me." i told matt my theory this morning. he laughed at me. but i'm certain that we have a little boy who already knows his manners.
while i know he's there, i don't talk to him as much as i thought i would. and matt has yet to really talk to him. the only time i really directly address him is to politely ask him to please remove himself from my ribcage. otherwise, we talk about him, but not really to him. at first this really bothered me - aren't i supposed to be talking to him? is it saying something about the mother i'm going to be if i'm not talking to my unborn child in my belly? but i finally realized that it's not. i show him my love by making sure i take care of myself and, by extension, him.
i really thought that having people touch my belly would bother me. i simply could not imagine how i would be comfortable with people encroaching on my personal space. but it doesn't bother me. people touch the belly and i'm totally ok with it. i couldn't really figure out why, but sweet, brilliant sara at then comes life nailed it - it's because it means that this baby boy is already so loved, even by people who barely know me. that is amazing.
i always knew i was a hippie born in the wrong age. i've never been super-crunchy, but i've always embraced the hippie mentality of taking life as it comes and playing with the hand you're dealt. but as i prepare myself to become a mother, i'm finding that many of the choices we're making for our child are pretty crunchy. we're planning to cloth diaper. i hope to breastfeed exclusively until we start baby-led weaning. i intend to baby-wear as much as i can.
and i hope to have an intervention-free labor and delivery. at the wedding we went to last weekend, i told my old college roommate this (after she asked if i planned to have an epidural). her immediate response was, "i knew you'd be one of those moms." she didn't meant it in a bad way. she never understood my hippie ways in college, and so it was no surprise to her that i would want to continue being a hippie as an adult and into motherhood.
i saw this quote the other day, and i really want to use it in baby boy's nursery. "where there is great love, there are miracles" (willa cather). his daddy and i have a great love, and he is our little miracle. and there is no greater feeling than that.
i have finally grasped the concept that i am definitely pregnant now. i have a squirmy little baby in there and he makes his presence pretty well-known. either with his little kicks, punches, and somersaults, or with his desire to nestle up in my ribs, i am very well aware of his existence at all times. i love knowing he's there, and even though it sometimes hurts (i seriously think i may have a fractured rib by the end of this thing), i think that i will never tire of feeling him wiggle around in there.
i like to imagine that he's a polite little kicker/puncher. like, he's just trying to mind his own business and stretch out, and when he hits me, he quickly says, "oops, sorry, mama" or "oh, excuse me." i told matt my theory this morning. he laughed at me. but i'm certain that we have a little boy who already knows his manners.
while i know he's there, i don't talk to him as much as i thought i would. and matt has yet to really talk to him. the only time i really directly address him is to politely ask him to please remove himself from my ribcage. otherwise, we talk about him, but not really to him. at first this really bothered me - aren't i supposed to be talking to him? is it saying something about the mother i'm going to be if i'm not talking to my unborn child in my belly? but i finally realized that it's not. i show him my love by making sure i take care of myself and, by extension, him.
i really thought that having people touch my belly would bother me. i simply could not imagine how i would be comfortable with people encroaching on my personal space. but it doesn't bother me. people touch the belly and i'm totally ok with it. i couldn't really figure out why, but sweet, brilliant sara at then comes life nailed it - it's because it means that this baby boy is already so loved, even by people who barely know me. that is amazing.
i always knew i was a hippie born in the wrong age. i've never been super-crunchy, but i've always embraced the hippie mentality of taking life as it comes and playing with the hand you're dealt. but as i prepare myself to become a mother, i'm finding that many of the choices we're making for our child are pretty crunchy. we're planning to cloth diaper. i hope to breastfeed exclusively until we start baby-led weaning. i intend to baby-wear as much as i can.
and i hope to have an intervention-free labor and delivery. at the wedding we went to last weekend, i told my old college roommate this (after she asked if i planned to have an epidural). her immediate response was, "i knew you'd be one of those moms." she didn't meant it in a bad way. she never understood my hippie ways in college, and so it was no surprise to her that i would want to continue being a hippie as an adult and into motherhood.
i saw this quote the other day, and i really want to use it in baby boy's nursery. "where there is great love, there are miracles" (willa cather). his daddy and i have a great love, and he is our little miracle. and there is no greater feeling than that.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
aurora, co and the gun control debate
first off, let me just start by saying that the shooting in aurora, co that occurred thursday night was horrific. i cannot imagine sitting in a movie theater and having some lunatic walk in and open fire. i just...i can't.
but this has obviously opened up that good old can of worms called gun control. gun control advocates are pointing to it as an example that we need stricter gun laws. gun advocates remain firm in their stance that people have the right to bear arms.
here's how i see it. i agree with the right to bear arms. i think people should be allowed to own shot guns and rifles for hunting and handgun or two for personal protection. but why in the world would a private citizen need an automatic assault rifle? and 6,000 rounds of ammunition?
according to reports, he bought 4 weapons - an assault rifle, 2 glock handguns, and a shotgun - within the past 60 days. he ordered 6,000 rounds of ammuntion from the internet. all of this was purchased and procured legally. he applied for the guns and was approved because the only scar on his record was a traffic violation. the assault rifle he'd purchased was, at one time, illegal, thanks to the assault weapons ban instituted in 1994, but unfortunately that ban expired in 2004 and congress didn't reenact it due to pressure from big-money gun advocates. and i don't even want to think about how he managed to get all the explosives and incendiary devices that he had set up in his apartment.
therein lies my problem with the current gun laws. i get that he purchased them legally, but that shouldn't be legal. the government will track how much sudafed you buy, but not how many bullets you buy? it makes zero sense to me.
the assault weapons ban needs to be reinstated - there is no need for a private citizen to ever own an assault rifle. there should be waiting periods between weapons purchases - 30 days, at least. there should be a way to track ammunition purchases. i agree with the old saying - guns don't kill people, people kill people. but the system our country has in place makes it far too easy for people to kill people. someone this deranged and disturbed should not be able to buy 4 weapons in 2 months. actions like that should catch someone's attention and cause a red flag to go up on this person.
i think our gun control laws need to be seriously re-examined. like i said, if the government can track the amount of sudafed you purchase, they ought to be able to track the amount of ammo you purchase. same with guns - i can only buy one box of sudafed per month, but this guy can buy 4 guns in 60 days? something just doesn't smell right here. there has got to be a better way to allow our citizens to arm themselves, while at the same time protecting the rest of us from the ones who want to harm us.
but this has obviously opened up that good old can of worms called gun control. gun control advocates are pointing to it as an example that we need stricter gun laws. gun advocates remain firm in their stance that people have the right to bear arms.
here's how i see it. i agree with the right to bear arms. i think people should be allowed to own shot guns and rifles for hunting and handgun or two for personal protection. but why in the world would a private citizen need an automatic assault rifle? and 6,000 rounds of ammunition?
according to reports, he bought 4 weapons - an assault rifle, 2 glock handguns, and a shotgun - within the past 60 days. he ordered 6,000 rounds of ammuntion from the internet. all of this was purchased and procured legally. he applied for the guns and was approved because the only scar on his record was a traffic violation. the assault rifle he'd purchased was, at one time, illegal, thanks to the assault weapons ban instituted in 1994, but unfortunately that ban expired in 2004 and congress didn't reenact it due to pressure from big-money gun advocates. and i don't even want to think about how he managed to get all the explosives and incendiary devices that he had set up in his apartment.
therein lies my problem with the current gun laws. i get that he purchased them legally, but that shouldn't be legal. the government will track how much sudafed you buy, but not how many bullets you buy? it makes zero sense to me.
the assault weapons ban needs to be reinstated - there is no need for a private citizen to ever own an assault rifle. there should be waiting periods between weapons purchases - 30 days, at least. there should be a way to track ammunition purchases. i agree with the old saying - guns don't kill people, people kill people. but the system our country has in place makes it far too easy for people to kill people. someone this deranged and disturbed should not be able to buy 4 weapons in 2 months. actions like that should catch someone's attention and cause a red flag to go up on this person.
i think our gun control laws need to be seriously re-examined. like i said, if the government can track the amount of sudafed you purchase, they ought to be able to track the amount of ammo you purchase. same with guns - i can only buy one box of sudafed per month, but this guy can buy 4 guns in 60 days? something just doesn't smell right here. there has got to be a better way to allow our citizens to arm themselves, while at the same time protecting the rest of us from the ones who want to harm us.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
psu
if you were paying attention to my "if you really knew me" post, you'd have noticed that one of the things said that if you really knew me, you'd know i was a michigan fan not only because i have family who live there, but also because i hated penn state so much that i just wanted to cheer for one of their rivals. this is 100% accurate.
if you ever set foot in central pa, you know very quickly that you are in penn state territory. growing up there, everyone was a penn state fan, if not a penn state alum. we may as well have lived in state college. penn state football was the religion, and joe paterno was the deity. he was revered like a god. in the eyes of most central pennsylvanians, joepa could do no wrong.
i realize now that i have never been one to like something just because it's popular. in fact, i will often choose to take an opposite stance on something just so i can be different. or just so i can argue. i always thought that i chose to be a michigan fan because my favorite cousin, who i idolized, lived in michigan, loved u of m, and ended up going there for college. as i've gotten older, though, and as i've secretly relished watching my penn state fan friends wallow in misery as michigan beat them year after year, i've started to realize that my loyalty to michigan had nothing to do with my cousin and everything to do with my chance to be a thorn in everyone's side. i privately gloated as penn state lost games and as they played terrible football. and i say privately because i don't like to be an obnoxious sports fan and rub it in people's faces. nobody likes that person.
none of this is to say that when the scandal broke about jerry sandusky i was in any way, shape, or form happy to see penn state fall from grace. when the story first broke, i made clear my belief that joe paterno and others in administration did far less than they should have, but that i still supported the school and the students and alumni, many of whom i count as friends. i got into arguments on facebook with friends who refused to acknowledge that their precious joepa had done any wrong. when i made a statement that paterno didn't do enough and didn't do the right thing, one of my sister's friends, who had graduated from penn state with callie, asked if i had read the report that stated that he had done nothing illegal. i responded that i haven't read the report, but i don't need to to know right from wrong. but then the university fired him. and didn't let him finish the season. and it made me sad that he was being forced out ahead of schedule. i mourned for my sister, who was devastated by the news. it all seemed tragically wrong to me.
and then this past week's fbi report came out, confirming that coach paterno and the 3 others in administration had knowingly covered up the abuse for 14 years. they had continued to let sandusky on campus, around children. they had covered it up, all for the good of the program. and i'm sad all over again. sad for all the students and alumni who thought that there was still some way that they could hold paterno up to a higher standard. and it all came crashing down. he was just as guilty as everyone else. he knew about the abuse and he didn't do anything with that knowledge.
there are a lot of people out there calling for a lot of things, from tearing down paterno's statue to suspending the football program. i agree with taking down the statue. his behavior - or lack thereof - shouldn't be memorialized. he shouldn't be idolized. if they want to keep it on campus, then move it to the fine arts building, so people can choose to visit it. don't force people to walk by it and remember the many ways in which paterno disappointed them, not to mention the ways in which he let down those children. some people argue that he did so many other great things for the university. so what? no matter what he did for the university, he still allowed sandusky to destroy the lives of multiple young boys.
i'm torn about suspending the football program. on the one hand, why punish the current players for wrongs committed by their administration? on the other hand, the penn state football program needs to learn that they have to held accountable. that just because they bring in money for the university, doesn't mean they can be above the rules.
it's all a big ol' mess, and having grown up in central pa makes it so much more intense. i hope that eventually everyone can move forward. in the meantime, i think this coming football season is going to be a tough one for everyone involved. it'll be interesting to watch it all unfold.
if you ever set foot in central pa, you know very quickly that you are in penn state territory. growing up there, everyone was a penn state fan, if not a penn state alum. we may as well have lived in state college. penn state football was the religion, and joe paterno was the deity. he was revered like a god. in the eyes of most central pennsylvanians, joepa could do no wrong.
i realize now that i have never been one to like something just because it's popular. in fact, i will often choose to take an opposite stance on something just so i can be different. or just so i can argue. i always thought that i chose to be a michigan fan because my favorite cousin, who i idolized, lived in michigan, loved u of m, and ended up going there for college. as i've gotten older, though, and as i've secretly relished watching my penn state fan friends wallow in misery as michigan beat them year after year, i've started to realize that my loyalty to michigan had nothing to do with my cousin and everything to do with my chance to be a thorn in everyone's side. i privately gloated as penn state lost games and as they played terrible football. and i say privately because i don't like to be an obnoxious sports fan and rub it in people's faces. nobody likes that person.
none of this is to say that when the scandal broke about jerry sandusky i was in any way, shape, or form happy to see penn state fall from grace. when the story first broke, i made clear my belief that joe paterno and others in administration did far less than they should have, but that i still supported the school and the students and alumni, many of whom i count as friends. i got into arguments on facebook with friends who refused to acknowledge that their precious joepa had done any wrong. when i made a statement that paterno didn't do enough and didn't do the right thing, one of my sister's friends, who had graduated from penn state with callie, asked if i had read the report that stated that he had done nothing illegal. i responded that i haven't read the report, but i don't need to to know right from wrong. but then the university fired him. and didn't let him finish the season. and it made me sad that he was being forced out ahead of schedule. i mourned for my sister, who was devastated by the news. it all seemed tragically wrong to me.
and then this past week's fbi report came out, confirming that coach paterno and the 3 others in administration had knowingly covered up the abuse for 14 years. they had continued to let sandusky on campus, around children. they had covered it up, all for the good of the program. and i'm sad all over again. sad for all the students and alumni who thought that there was still some way that they could hold paterno up to a higher standard. and it all came crashing down. he was just as guilty as everyone else. he knew about the abuse and he didn't do anything with that knowledge.
there are a lot of people out there calling for a lot of things, from tearing down paterno's statue to suspending the football program. i agree with taking down the statue. his behavior - or lack thereof - shouldn't be memorialized. he shouldn't be idolized. if they want to keep it on campus, then move it to the fine arts building, so people can choose to visit it. don't force people to walk by it and remember the many ways in which paterno disappointed them, not to mention the ways in which he let down those children. some people argue that he did so many other great things for the university. so what? no matter what he did for the university, he still allowed sandusky to destroy the lives of multiple young boys.
i'm torn about suspending the football program. on the one hand, why punish the current players for wrongs committed by their administration? on the other hand, the penn state football program needs to learn that they have to held accountable. that just because they bring in money for the university, doesn't mean they can be above the rules.
it's all a big ol' mess, and having grown up in central pa makes it so much more intense. i hope that eventually everyone can move forward. in the meantime, i think this coming football season is going to be a tough one for everyone involved. it'll be interesting to watch it all unfold.
Friday, June 8, 2012
a move
tuesday morning my sister called to check in on how our doctor's appointment went. once i finished telling her all about it, she casually mentioned that she and my brother-in-law had put in an offer on a house in hershey. *record scratch* say what?! callie and anthony have lived in baltimore for the past 6 years. they've talked over the years about moving - their ideas have ranged from colorado to southern virginia to hershey to san diego to new mexico. i really started taking all the talk with a grain of salt. callie is one of these people who has a lot of ideas but takes centuries to actually move on them. so when she told me they put in an offer, i was floored. out of all the places they'd talked about moving, i thought they were least serious about hershey.
matt and i have talked on and off about moving back to hershey. he feels much more strongly about it than i do. he grew up around his entire family, and i honestly think he misses that a lot more than he'll admit to me. his whole family is back in hershey - his parents, his brothers, and all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. and they are rooted in hershey. in the 5 years we've lived in our house, most of them have never been here. "it's too far" they say. it's an hour and a half. seriously. it drives me crazy and it hurts matt's feelings. i, on the other hand, grew up seeing my cousins once or twice a year. they lived in michigan and wisconsin. so i'm used to not seeing them at every single minor holiday and birthday. and my parents are willing to drive the 90 minutes to come and see us. living "far away" from them doesn't faze me.
but it's more than that for me. to me, moving back to hershey is becoming rooted. and i'm not ready to do that yet. i like living a short train ride from center city philadelphia. i love the cultural and foodie options available to us. i love taking the train to work and getting a nice, brisk walk in every morning before i start my day. i feel like moving back to hershey sort of means that we're stuck. i mean, i know we're not - there's an airport 20 minutes away, and we're still a quick road trip away from tons of major cities - an hour from baltimore, 90 minutes from philly, 3 hours from d.c., 3 1/2 from pittsburgh, 3 hours from nyc. but i don't know...it feels like a defeat of some sort.
not to mention that i love my job here. i mean, it's hard and frustrating and exhausting and all that other stuff. and some days, i really can't believe that i chose this as my career. but the people i work with make it all worth it. these people are some of my closest friends. i actually, genuinely like my fellow social workers. i invited them to our wedding. i hang out with them outside of work, by choice. they make this job easier to bear. and i fear i won't find that anywhere else. in fact, i'm pretty certain i won't. so at this point in my life, i'm not ready to walk away from that.
now that callie and anthony are moving back, i know there will be more pressure to move back to hershey. from matt, from my parents, and definitely from his parents. especially once they find out we're pregnant. and i'm really not looking forward to that. i like our little life here outside of philadelphia. could it be better? sure - we could have more normal neighbors. but honestly, that's my only complaint about where we are. i'm perfectly content with the fact that we don't live 15 minutes from our parents - then they can't just "drop by" whenever they feel like (and believe me - they would). i like having a little distance between us. would i love to be closer to my sister? yes, definitely. am i willing to sacrifice all the stuff i named above just for that? nope. it's an hour and a half. they can drive. the turnpike goes both ways!
matt and i have talked on and off about moving back to hershey. he feels much more strongly about it than i do. he grew up around his entire family, and i honestly think he misses that a lot more than he'll admit to me. his whole family is back in hershey - his parents, his brothers, and all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. and they are rooted in hershey. in the 5 years we've lived in our house, most of them have never been here. "it's too far" they say. it's an hour and a half. seriously. it drives me crazy and it hurts matt's feelings. i, on the other hand, grew up seeing my cousins once or twice a year. they lived in michigan and wisconsin. so i'm used to not seeing them at every single minor holiday and birthday. and my parents are willing to drive the 90 minutes to come and see us. living "far away" from them doesn't faze me.
but it's more than that for me. to me, moving back to hershey is becoming rooted. and i'm not ready to do that yet. i like living a short train ride from center city philadelphia. i love the cultural and foodie options available to us. i love taking the train to work and getting a nice, brisk walk in every morning before i start my day. i feel like moving back to hershey sort of means that we're stuck. i mean, i know we're not - there's an airport 20 minutes away, and we're still a quick road trip away from tons of major cities - an hour from baltimore, 90 minutes from philly, 3 hours from d.c., 3 1/2 from pittsburgh, 3 hours from nyc. but i don't know...it feels like a defeat of some sort.
not to mention that i love my job here. i mean, it's hard and frustrating and exhausting and all that other stuff. and some days, i really can't believe that i chose this as my career. but the people i work with make it all worth it. these people are some of my closest friends. i actually, genuinely like my fellow social workers. i invited them to our wedding. i hang out with them outside of work, by choice. they make this job easier to bear. and i fear i won't find that anywhere else. in fact, i'm pretty certain i won't. so at this point in my life, i'm not ready to walk away from that.
now that callie and anthony are moving back, i know there will be more pressure to move back to hershey. from matt, from my parents, and definitely from his parents. especially once they find out we're pregnant. and i'm really not looking forward to that. i like our little life here outside of philadelphia. could it be better? sure - we could have more normal neighbors. but honestly, that's my only complaint about where we are. i'm perfectly content with the fact that we don't live 15 minutes from our parents - then they can't just "drop by" whenever they feel like (and believe me - they would). i like having a little distance between us. would i love to be closer to my sister? yes, definitely. am i willing to sacrifice all the stuff i named above just for that? nope. it's an hour and a half. they can drive. the turnpike goes both ways!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
believe
a few posts ago, i talked about my desire to find a church for our family. i mentioned that i didn't grow up attending church or learning bible stories. so, in reality, i'm not entirely sure what my beliefs are. i'd like to expand on that a bit, because i've been thinking about it a lot.
a few months ago i started following the blog the wiegand's. casey is a beautiful and honest writer. and she has deep and faithful love of the lord. reading her words and feeling her candid belief in god kind of makes me feel empty. like i'm missing something. or missing out on something. for years, i have eschewed religion and - more often - religious people. i have thought them condescending and preachy. i have found organized religion to be hypocritical and closed-minded. and i have wanted to distance myself from that lifestyle. lately, though, i'm finding myself drawn to it. not necessarily to organized religion, but to deep spirituality and faith. i think it is so beautiful to read how casey is able to turn herself over to prayer and seek peace, understanding, and answers. some of her posts have brought me to tears and i find myself wanting to experience that level of devotion.
i very recently started following momastery, as well. a friend of mine kept posting links to her posts on facebook, and i wandered over to see what all the fuss is about. glennon is another beautiful writer with a deep connection to god. her most recent post about the moment she thought she was going to lose her baby had me in tears on the train. her unwavering belief that her husband's picture in the magazine she was reading meant that their baby was going to be ok is so inspiring. it's something i've never experienced before - to just know something, deep within my gut. to just have faith that someone or something was taking care of me. what a comfort that must be.
for years, i have denied the existence of a god, or higher power. i have said that i believe that in life, you face choices, and you make decisions, and you deal with the consequences of those decisions, good or bad. you are the driver and no one else. but when i dig deep down into myself, i find that i actually do believe in something else. i'm just not sure what that is. i believe in a higher power of some sort (hence to forth will be referred to as god, because writing out "a higher power of some sort" each time is long and stupid). i believe that you are given situations in which you have to make a decision. those situations and the choices they present are part of your life. i don't think god makes the decisions for me. i don't even think god knows what decision i will make. i think that with my own free will, i make my choices. and sometimes i'm pretty sure they surprise god as much as they surprise me. and look, i've made some pretty shitty decisions. i've gone through some struggles in my life, and they've been hard and have tested me more than ever thought possible. and yet, here i am, a strong, independent, courageous, happy woman. i no longer think i'm alone in making that happen.
maybe it's because of this ttc journey that i'm feeling a little lost. that i'm feeling like a little guidance and faith would do me good. maybe it's because i'm hoping to become a mother, which is the hardest but most rewarding job on the planet. and i'm scared. like any woman is, i'd imagine. i want to make sure i do it right - all of it. and what a feeling it must be for people who can sit down, speak to the lord, and feel heard. and have faith that somewhere, someone or something is listening. really listening. that's all i want. and i'm on a mission to find it. to dig deep within myself and find the place where i can believe in that. to let go of all my skepticism and fears and condemnation and just give in.
a few months ago i started following the blog the wiegand's. casey is a beautiful and honest writer. and she has deep and faithful love of the lord. reading her words and feeling her candid belief in god kind of makes me feel empty. like i'm missing something. or missing out on something. for years, i have eschewed religion and - more often - religious people. i have thought them condescending and preachy. i have found organized religion to be hypocritical and closed-minded. and i have wanted to distance myself from that lifestyle. lately, though, i'm finding myself drawn to it. not necessarily to organized religion, but to deep spirituality and faith. i think it is so beautiful to read how casey is able to turn herself over to prayer and seek peace, understanding, and answers. some of her posts have brought me to tears and i find myself wanting to experience that level of devotion.
i very recently started following momastery, as well. a friend of mine kept posting links to her posts on facebook, and i wandered over to see what all the fuss is about. glennon is another beautiful writer with a deep connection to god. her most recent post about the moment she thought she was going to lose her baby had me in tears on the train. her unwavering belief that her husband's picture in the magazine she was reading meant that their baby was going to be ok is so inspiring. it's something i've never experienced before - to just know something, deep within my gut. to just have faith that someone or something was taking care of me. what a comfort that must be.
for years, i have denied the existence of a god, or higher power. i have said that i believe that in life, you face choices, and you make decisions, and you deal with the consequences of those decisions, good or bad. you are the driver and no one else. but when i dig deep down into myself, i find that i actually do believe in something else. i'm just not sure what that is. i believe in a higher power of some sort (hence to forth will be referred to as god, because writing out "a higher power of some sort" each time is long and stupid). i believe that you are given situations in which you have to make a decision. those situations and the choices they present are part of your life. i don't think god makes the decisions for me. i don't even think god knows what decision i will make. i think that with my own free will, i make my choices. and sometimes i'm pretty sure they surprise god as much as they surprise me. and look, i've made some pretty shitty decisions. i've gone through some struggles in my life, and they've been hard and have tested me more than ever thought possible. and yet, here i am, a strong, independent, courageous, happy woman. i no longer think i'm alone in making that happen.
maybe it's because of this ttc journey that i'm feeling a little lost. that i'm feeling like a little guidance and faith would do me good. maybe it's because i'm hoping to become a mother, which is the hardest but most rewarding job on the planet. and i'm scared. like any woman is, i'd imagine. i want to make sure i do it right - all of it. and what a feeling it must be for people who can sit down, speak to the lord, and feel heard. and have faith that somewhere, someone or something is listening. really listening. that's all i want. and i'm on a mission to find it. to dig deep within myself and find the place where i can believe in that. to let go of all my skepticism and fears and condemnation and just give in.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
church
matt and i have talked a few times about church and about wanting to raise our children as church-goers. or at least raising them as members of a church community. while this is not a stretch for matt, who grew up going to catholic church every sunday and went to ccd classes and was an alter boy, this is a big thing for me. i was not raised as a member of a church. i was baptized at 2 years old, and then we went maybe once or twice a year at christmas and easter. my sister was not baptized until she was 15. church just wasn't an important part of our lives. as i got older, and especially once i graduated college and was living at home for a while, i started going more regularly. but it still never seemed important enough for me to find my own church. i go when i'm home on holidays and sometimes on weekends. and getting married in my church was weirdly important to me.
my home church is a lutheran church and i love it. but i think i love it because my "roots" are there. matt was raised catholic, and i refuse to raise our children as catholics. no offense meant to anyone who is catholic, i just find the catholic church to be hypocritical and closed-minded. the church, not the parishioners. let me be clear. i know plenty of perfectly lovely catholic people. i just cannot imagine giving my time and money to the catholic church.
so we're talking about trying to find a church around our home that we can join and later baptize and raise our children in. there are plenty of churches around us to look into. i'm just not even sure what denomination to try. protestant, methodist, lutheran, presbyterian, episcopal. i want to find a church that welcomes all walks of life with open arms. that encourages service to others. that teaches love and respect for others. that does not teach fear as a form of discipline (matt once told me that he behaved as a child because he was taught that if he misbehaved he would go to hell - i am no ok with this). but above all, i want to find a church where we both feel comfortable and as a part of a warm community.
i thought about it more this weekend, and tried to decide exactly what i want to raise our children to believe. and i realized that this will be difficult for me, since i'm still not sure what i believe. what i would like to do is have open, frank, honest discussions with our children about religion and god and jesus. but in order to do this, i feel like i need to read the bible or take bible study classes. i know next to nothing about the bible. the most i know about christmas is what i learned from piecing together sermons from church and watching christmas movies. what i know about good friday and easter i learned from watching the passion of the christ. i'm pretty clueless. and part of that ignorance comes from my inability to grasp some of the concepts of the bible. and part of it also comes from my inherent need to rebel against anything i've ever felt "forced" upon to believe or support.
but i like the feeling i have when i'm church. i feel like i'm being heard. by whom, i don't know. but i feel comforted and at peace. a kind of serenity washes over me. the world around me and inside my head gets quiet and i can just be with myself. and this is and of itself says a lot, because it's often hard for me to turn my brain off. but when i'm kneeling in church, i just feel calm. i feel like all my troubles and worries and concerns are washed away, even if just for a brief moment. and sometimes, that's all i need.
in an ideal world, matt and i will find a church that we're happy with. i will attend some bible studies and familiarize myself a bit more with the lessons and teachings and stories. our children will be baptized and attend bible school. and we, as a family, will discuss those teachings and ideas and lessons. our children can then choose to be confirmed and continue to attend church if they see fit. and if not, that's ok, too. i will not force our children to attend church once they have the mind to make that decision.
how did you (or would you) go about finding a new church for you and your family? where do you think we should start?
my home church is a lutheran church and i love it. but i think i love it because my "roots" are there. matt was raised catholic, and i refuse to raise our children as catholics. no offense meant to anyone who is catholic, i just find the catholic church to be hypocritical and closed-minded. the church, not the parishioners. let me be clear. i know plenty of perfectly lovely catholic people. i just cannot imagine giving my time and money to the catholic church.
so we're talking about trying to find a church around our home that we can join and later baptize and raise our children in. there are plenty of churches around us to look into. i'm just not even sure what denomination to try. protestant, methodist, lutheran, presbyterian, episcopal. i want to find a church that welcomes all walks of life with open arms. that encourages service to others. that teaches love and respect for others. that does not teach fear as a form of discipline (matt once told me that he behaved as a child because he was taught that if he misbehaved he would go to hell - i am no ok with this). but above all, i want to find a church where we both feel comfortable and as a part of a warm community.
i thought about it more this weekend, and tried to decide exactly what i want to raise our children to believe. and i realized that this will be difficult for me, since i'm still not sure what i believe. what i would like to do is have open, frank, honest discussions with our children about religion and god and jesus. but in order to do this, i feel like i need to read the bible or take bible study classes. i know next to nothing about the bible. the most i know about christmas is what i learned from piecing together sermons from church and watching christmas movies. what i know about good friday and easter i learned from watching the passion of the christ. i'm pretty clueless. and part of that ignorance comes from my inability to grasp some of the concepts of the bible. and part of it also comes from my inherent need to rebel against anything i've ever felt "forced" upon to believe or support.
but i like the feeling i have when i'm church. i feel like i'm being heard. by whom, i don't know. but i feel comforted and at peace. a kind of serenity washes over me. the world around me and inside my head gets quiet and i can just be with myself. and this is and of itself says a lot, because it's often hard for me to turn my brain off. but when i'm kneeling in church, i just feel calm. i feel like all my troubles and worries and concerns are washed away, even if just for a brief moment. and sometimes, that's all i need.
in an ideal world, matt and i will find a church that we're happy with. i will attend some bible studies and familiarize myself a bit more with the lessons and teachings and stories. our children will be baptized and attend bible school. and we, as a family, will discuss those teachings and ideas and lessons. our children can then choose to be confirmed and continue to attend church if they see fit. and if not, that's ok, too. i will not force our children to attend church once they have the mind to make that decision.
how did you (or would you) go about finding a new church for you and your family? where do you think we should start?
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