it's 12:27am on wednesday morning. tonight we check into the hospital to begin the induction process. i tried to sleep but couldn't, so i'm back downstairs, watching a documentary about the great barrier reef and drinking warm milk. i am at once excited and absolutely.fucking.terrified.
matt and i laid down in bed tonight and held each other, trying to relish our last few minutes of just us, the 2 of us, where it all started. and i had to go and ruin the moment by starting to cry. matt just held my hand and wiped my tears until i could finally verbalize..."all of a sudden, i'm really scared." and that's when the real waterworks started. he tried to reassure me, "you'll do great tomorrow." but it's not just labor and delivery that i'm afraid of. what if the nurses hand me the baby and i don't feel anything? what if i just sit there and look at him and my only thought is, "i have no idea what the hell i'm doing here?" what if i mess it all up? what if i'm a terrible mother? suddenly i feel completely inadequate and unprepared.
sure, i've readied the nursery. we have all the necessary stuff for bringing a baby home. but do i have what it takes to raise a child? do i have the perseverance to deal with breastfeeding issues? will i be able to breastfeed at all? will i ever truly understand what his cries mean and how to meet his needs? will i be loving and responsive enough that he feels secure, but not overly smothering so that he never gains independence or learns to self-soothe? will i be able to nurture his development? will i be fun? will i be able to help him with his homework?
being a mom is a serious undertaking, and so many times i've questioned whether or not i'm ready. i guess i don't have a choice, at this point. he'll be here sometime within the next 48 hours (god willing!), and he'll be mine. mine and matt's. he'll be ours. we'll be a family. our own tiny little family.
wow. it's all so overwhelming....
Showing posts with label preparing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label preparing. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
reasons why i love my chiropractor
i started seeing a chiropractor in november or december (i honestly don't remember when my first appointment was). it was recommended to me by a couple of friends who i'd complained about my back pain to, and also several of the bees on hellobee were singing the praises of their chiropractors. so even though i'd always been skeptical of chiros, i thought i'd give it a chance. i knew i wanted to find someone who specialized in prenatal chiropractics because i know that we preggos have special needs and circumstances, and that our bodies may not be able to handle the rigors of "normal" chiropractics. so i googled "prenatal chiropractor, abington, pa." that brought up a list of a few in the area, but in perusing their websites i realized they weren't exactly what i was looking for. well, one was, but when i read that they don't bill insurance, they were out. i modified my search from abington to philadelphia, and about the 5th hit down i found the icpa website (international chiropractic pediatric association). the first name on the list for the philadelphia search was the same one i'd already found who didn't take insurance. the second name was dr. tara at hatboro family wellness. as i looked over her website, i felt like i had found what i was looking for. it seemed like she practiced from a holistic approach, treating not only the body but also the body's connection to the mind and overall wellness. so i called and scheduled my intake assessment.
she spent 1 1/2 hours with me at my initial appointment. we went over everything - my medical history, my family history, my social history, my emotional history...it was incredibly comprehensive. and then, after all that, she did the actual exam. she discovered that i have a mild scoliosis. she also discovered (as had my neurologist) that i have a slight head tilt to the left, and therefore my right muscles work extra hard to correct that. and i have a leg-length discrepancy, in that my right leg is longer than my left (my right hip sits lower). anyway, given my assessment, and the fact that i was in excruciating pain on a near-daily basis, i was excited to get my treatment started.
i see dr. tara anywhere from 1-3 times a week, depending on my schedule and how i'm feeling (there have been a couple of times that i've cancelled my appointment because i've just been too freaking tired to make the drive - it's 15-20 minutes). at each session, i start face-up and she does some neck adjustments. then i flip to my stomach (using a special pillow with a hole in it for my belly) and she does some more adjustments to my back, and during the past few sessions she's also started focusing a lot on my sacrum and pubic bone, which feels awesome. then i sit up and she gently massages my neck and back. i don't always notice a difference right away, but definitely the next day i feel looser, less painful, and like i have a little bit more energy.
but that's not the only reason i like her. at every session, she asks me a question regarding my overall wellness. a few times it was just to tell her one thing that made me feel good that day. given that it was the end of the year, she asked me once what accomplishment i was most proud of. with the new year, she asked me what my resolutions are (but totally understood that resolutions hadn't even crossed my mind, what-with all the baby thoughts taking up space in my brain). we've talked a lot about labor and delivery, too. given that she's from this holistic point of view, she's very crunchy - more crunchy than i am. she had her 2 babies at home with no medications - not even an option for medication. i'm pretty sure she doesn't believe in vaccinations, though i've avoided that topic with her because i am such a strong proponent for vaccines.
last night, she asked me what is the central theme to my thoughts regarding labor and delivery. my answer was that i really hope i can do it without medication. i really mean all medication, but we focused mostly on pain medication last night. she asked me why i have such a concern about it, and if i was getting pressure from anyone to use medication. i'm not, though it is discouraging to have my friends look at me like i have 85 heads when i tell them that i hope to go med-free. matt fully supports my decision to go without, and my doctors seem to be willing to go along with whatever i want, though i do need to discuss this more in-depth with them at our next appointment. i'm more afraid that my body or more specifically that i won't be able to handle it. so she reminded me that one of the biggest weapons that women have to manage labor is relaxation techniques, and asked me what thoughts i had about relaxation. i told her that i think one of the biggest things for me will be music - music has always been a huge part of my life, and i can use music to transport me away from situations, to ease my mind, to pump me up - whatever i need, music has always been there for me. i told her that i've been working on creating a labor and delivery playlist with calming, soothing music to help me turn inward and focus on myself. i also am creating another playlist with just instrumental, relaxing music (mostly movie soundtrack music) - that is what helped me fall asleep during hurricane tomas on our honeymoon - i plugged in my earbuds and turned on the harry potter soundtrack to drown out the wind. i've thought about making a more upbeat, motivational list for when it comes time to push, too, but i don't really want baby to enter the world the sounds of something like "sexyback," by justin timberlake. i think creating a push playlist would take a lot more creativity and thought than my relaxing playlist, and i just don't have the energy for that. maybe when i'm home on maternity leave (if baby doesn't come before i start) i'll work on it.
she said that music worked really well for her, and at one point during her labor she actually had her husband take her ipod of the dock and just hand her her earbuds so she could fully drown out the noise around her. i don't think i would hesitate to do that, honestly. i know what music does for me, and i know that would probably help me a lot.
then we started talking about other relaxation techniques. she asked me if there was any position that i'd practiced or found that helped, and i told her that in our childbirth class we'd learned several, and i had found that the most effective one for me was to sit facing matt, with my head on his chest, while he rubs my neck, back, and arms. another one that worked was when we stood facing each other, and i put my arms around his neck and just kind of hung there while we rocked back and forth and he rubbed my back. she also reminded me about gentle touch, and that oftentimes women find that very soothing. one of my favorite things is when matt lightly strokes the inside of my arm, so i will definitely have to keep that in mind.
i am so glad she brought that topic up and we talked about it. it made me feel a zillion times more confident, realizing that i do have several effective relaxation techniques in my arsenal.
now i just have to get over - or better yet face - my fear of induction...
she spent 1 1/2 hours with me at my initial appointment. we went over everything - my medical history, my family history, my social history, my emotional history...it was incredibly comprehensive. and then, after all that, she did the actual exam. she discovered that i have a mild scoliosis. she also discovered (as had my neurologist) that i have a slight head tilt to the left, and therefore my right muscles work extra hard to correct that. and i have a leg-length discrepancy, in that my right leg is longer than my left (my right hip sits lower). anyway, given my assessment, and the fact that i was in excruciating pain on a near-daily basis, i was excited to get my treatment started.
i see dr. tara anywhere from 1-3 times a week, depending on my schedule and how i'm feeling (there have been a couple of times that i've cancelled my appointment because i've just been too freaking tired to make the drive - it's 15-20 minutes). at each session, i start face-up and she does some neck adjustments. then i flip to my stomach (using a special pillow with a hole in it for my belly) and she does some more adjustments to my back, and during the past few sessions she's also started focusing a lot on my sacrum and pubic bone, which feels awesome. then i sit up and she gently massages my neck and back. i don't always notice a difference right away, but definitely the next day i feel looser, less painful, and like i have a little bit more energy.
but that's not the only reason i like her. at every session, she asks me a question regarding my overall wellness. a few times it was just to tell her one thing that made me feel good that day. given that it was the end of the year, she asked me once what accomplishment i was most proud of. with the new year, she asked me what my resolutions are (but totally understood that resolutions hadn't even crossed my mind, what-with all the baby thoughts taking up space in my brain). we've talked a lot about labor and delivery, too. given that she's from this holistic point of view, she's very crunchy - more crunchy than i am. she had her 2 babies at home with no medications - not even an option for medication. i'm pretty sure she doesn't believe in vaccinations, though i've avoided that topic with her because i am such a strong proponent for vaccines.
last night, she asked me what is the central theme to my thoughts regarding labor and delivery. my answer was that i really hope i can do it without medication. i really mean all medication, but we focused mostly on pain medication last night. she asked me why i have such a concern about it, and if i was getting pressure from anyone to use medication. i'm not, though it is discouraging to have my friends look at me like i have 85 heads when i tell them that i hope to go med-free. matt fully supports my decision to go without, and my doctors seem to be willing to go along with whatever i want, though i do need to discuss this more in-depth with them at our next appointment. i'm more afraid that my body or more specifically that i won't be able to handle it. so she reminded me that one of the biggest weapons that women have to manage labor is relaxation techniques, and asked me what thoughts i had about relaxation. i told her that i think one of the biggest things for me will be music - music has always been a huge part of my life, and i can use music to transport me away from situations, to ease my mind, to pump me up - whatever i need, music has always been there for me. i told her that i've been working on creating a labor and delivery playlist with calming, soothing music to help me turn inward and focus on myself. i also am creating another playlist with just instrumental, relaxing music (mostly movie soundtrack music) - that is what helped me fall asleep during hurricane tomas on our honeymoon - i plugged in my earbuds and turned on the harry potter soundtrack to drown out the wind. i've thought about making a more upbeat, motivational list for when it comes time to push, too, but i don't really want baby to enter the world the sounds of something like "sexyback," by justin timberlake. i think creating a push playlist would take a lot more creativity and thought than my relaxing playlist, and i just don't have the energy for that. maybe when i'm home on maternity leave (if baby doesn't come before i start) i'll work on it.
she said that music worked really well for her, and at one point during her labor she actually had her husband take her ipod of the dock and just hand her her earbuds so she could fully drown out the noise around her. i don't think i would hesitate to do that, honestly. i know what music does for me, and i know that would probably help me a lot.
then we started talking about other relaxation techniques. she asked me if there was any position that i'd practiced or found that helped, and i told her that in our childbirth class we'd learned several, and i had found that the most effective one for me was to sit facing matt, with my head on his chest, while he rubs my neck, back, and arms. another one that worked was when we stood facing each other, and i put my arms around his neck and just kind of hung there while we rocked back and forth and he rubbed my back. she also reminded me about gentle touch, and that oftentimes women find that very soothing. one of my favorite things is when matt lightly strokes the inside of my arm, so i will definitely have to keep that in mind.
i am so glad she brought that topic up and we talked about it. it made me feel a zillion times more confident, realizing that i do have several effective relaxation techniques in my arsenal.
now i just have to get over - or better yet face - my fear of induction...
Friday, September 7, 2012
i'm having panic attacks
i am 22 weeks pregnant, and i realize that means we still have 18 weeks till d-day. but the fall always seems to go by so quickly what-with football games, fall parties, and the holidays. i always feel like it's labor day and then i blink and it's christmas eve. with baby anticipation thrown in, i have a feeling things will really fly by! our schedule is so jam-packed already, and it's only september 7th! ready....?
september 8-9 - painting the nursery. hoping to get it all done on saturday, then going to finish our registry on sunday.
september 15-16 - babyanniversimoon in nyc. we're spending one night in new york city. got a great deal on the intercontinental hotel on hotwire. taking the megabus. hoping to get tickets to see once at the tkts booth. and finally taking matt to the museum of natural history.
september 22-23 - going to hershey to go to the farm aid concert with my mom, step-dad, sister, and brother-in-law. so excited, but truthfully a little worried about getting a contact high from all the weed that will inevitably be being smoked around me. i mean, dave matthews, willie nelson, neil young, john mellencamp. stoner heaven.
september 29-30 - going back to hershey for nephew's birthday party
october 6-9 - trip to outer banks for my college roommate's wedding. we're driving to delaware friday night to pick up/stay with one of my college roommates. then on saturday the 4 of us (me, matt, denise, and karl) are driving down to avon, nc. wedding is on sunday. we'll spend monday hanging out, and then make the whole drive back on tuesday.
october 13-14 - FREE!
october 20-21 - matt will be in maryland for his friend's 40th birthday. not sure what i'll do with my time. maybe hang the paper lantern mobile?
october 27-28 - FREE!
november 3-4 - going to hershey for high school friend's wedding
november 10-11 - FREE!
november 17-18 - saturday is our all-day childbirth preparation class. looks like sunday may be my baby shower.
november 24-25 - thanksgiving weekend. saturday is my 15-year high school reunion. whaaatttt? and if my shower isn't on the 18th, it will be on the 25th.
december 1-2 - back to hershey for a party at my friend's house
december 8-9 - possibly hosting our families for christmas?
december 15-16 - i'm on-call for work.
december 22-23 - possibly hosting our families for christmas, if not done on the 8th?
december 29-30 - FREE!
after that, it's pretty much a waiting game.
so basically, between now and d-day, we have 4 free weekends. 4 weekends to get the nursery ready. wash baby clothes. wash cloth diapers. wash all the linens for the crib and pack and play and all the fabrics on the various toys/rockers/swings. sterilize all the bottles and breastpump supplies.
every time matt would try to make plans for something in the past couple of weeks, i would go into full panic mode. like, sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face. i am freaking.out. that we won't get everything done. matt keeps telling me we will, and deep down i know he's right. and actually, seeing it all written out like that somehow makes me feel better. like i have some order to my life. or maybe it's the big capital letters yelling out "FREE!" maybe that's all i need in my life - capital letters and exclamation points. i should try that more often.
september 8-9 - painting the nursery. hoping to get it all done on saturday, then going to finish our registry on sunday.
september 15-16 - babyanniversimoon in nyc. we're spending one night in new york city. got a great deal on the intercontinental hotel on hotwire. taking the megabus. hoping to get tickets to see once at the tkts booth. and finally taking matt to the museum of natural history.
september 22-23 - going to hershey to go to the farm aid concert with my mom, step-dad, sister, and brother-in-law. so excited, but truthfully a little worried about getting a contact high from all the weed that will inevitably be being smoked around me. i mean, dave matthews, willie nelson, neil young, john mellencamp. stoner heaven.
september 29-30 - going back to hershey for nephew's birthday party
october 6-9 - trip to outer banks for my college roommate's wedding. we're driving to delaware friday night to pick up/stay with one of my college roommates. then on saturday the 4 of us (me, matt, denise, and karl) are driving down to avon, nc. wedding is on sunday. we'll spend monday hanging out, and then make the whole drive back on tuesday.
october 13-14 - FREE!
october 20-21 - matt will be in maryland for his friend's 40th birthday. not sure what i'll do with my time. maybe hang the paper lantern mobile?
october 27-28 - FREE!
november 3-4 - going to hershey for high school friend's wedding
november 10-11 - FREE!
november 17-18 - saturday is our all-day childbirth preparation class. looks like sunday may be my baby shower.
november 24-25 - thanksgiving weekend. saturday is my 15-year high school reunion. whaaatttt? and if my shower isn't on the 18th, it will be on the 25th.
december 1-2 - back to hershey for a party at my friend's house
december 8-9 - possibly hosting our families for christmas?
december 15-16 - i'm on-call for work.
december 22-23 - possibly hosting our families for christmas, if not done on the 8th?
december 29-30 - FREE!
after that, it's pretty much a waiting game.
so basically, between now and d-day, we have 4 free weekends. 4 weekends to get the nursery ready. wash baby clothes. wash cloth diapers. wash all the linens for the crib and pack and play and all the fabrics on the various toys/rockers/swings. sterilize all the bottles and breastpump supplies.
every time matt would try to make plans for something in the past couple of weeks, i would go into full panic mode. like, sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face. i am freaking.out. that we won't get everything done. matt keeps telling me we will, and deep down i know he's right. and actually, seeing it all written out like that somehow makes me feel better. like i have some order to my life. or maybe it's the big capital letters yelling out "FREE!" maybe that's all i need in my life - capital letters and exclamation points. i should try that more often.
Monday, June 11, 2012
pregnancy purchases
up until today, i hadn't bought much for me or baby. i downloaded what to expect when you're expecting a few months ago on my phone and have been slowly working my way through that. other than that, though, i hadn't really spent any money on anything.
on our trip to georgia, abriel lent me a few books. i finished the girlfriend's guide to pregnancy, which was funny. it also gives you real advice about what to expect and how to deal with it. it doesn't shy away from topics that other books might. parts of it really felt like i was just gossiping with an old friend. it was a good starter book, i think.
abriel also lent me the pregnancy instruction manual, which is almost like condensed version of what to expect. so far, i've only read through the first trimester.
she lent matt the new dad's survival guide, which he plans to start reading once he finishes lovely bones.
and she lent us the happiest baby on the block. i'm really glad she lent it to us, because i was definitely planning to purchase it if she hadn't. from what i've read, it is one of the the books for sleep training.
she recommended we find the latest version of baby bargains. she said it saved her and dave probably $500 on baby gear. so i was out and about an picked that up today. i'm definitely looking forward to digging into that. i'm always looking for a good bargain - moderate price with great reviews!
i also picked up the baby name wizard. i have a few names in mind for a girl, and only one for a boy. and i'm not sure matt really likes any of them, ha ha. hopefully by going through this book we can find something that we both like.
last but not least, i ordered the book pregnancy, childbirth, and the newborn.
i wanted a book that would tell me what to expect, not from pregnancy, but from the actual labor and delivery. i wanted it to be unbiased. i just want the facts. i looked into the ina may gaskin book, but some of the reviews said that it was very unbiased against hospital births. since i plan to deliver in a hospital, i don't want to read all the ways in which hospitals are terrible. i thought about the bradley method book, but again, it had horror stories about hospital births, and that's not what i want to read. not that i don't want to hear about the things that can go wrong, but i want it to be presented in such a way that it's not "hospitals are terrible, home births are best!" the reviews of the book i ended up with said that it was fair and balanced and provided a real, honest look at childbirth.
today while i was out at target i picked up a couple of belly bands. some of my work pants are close to being uncomfortable, and all of my shorts are. so hopefully this will help me get some more wear out of them.
based on reviews on hellobee, i ordered 2 coobie bras. i came across it because one of the bees had a bogo coupon code, and everyone started raving about the bras on the post. so i went ahead and ordered 2. dude, they are so comfortable. they are one-size-fits-all, and they grow with your expanding cup size as you go through your pregnancy. they are also nursing-friendly. i bought them mostly for sleeping because it's starting to get a little uncomfortable at night, but i may get a few more and make them a regular part of my wardrobe. definitely check them out!
i'm hoping to hold off a bit longer on maternity clothing, although if this bloating keeps up, i see maternity pants nearer in my future than i anticipated. anything you think i'm missing? any books you couldn't live without during pregnancy?
on our trip to georgia, abriel lent me a few books. i finished the girlfriend's guide to pregnancy, which was funny. it also gives you real advice about what to expect and how to deal with it. it doesn't shy away from topics that other books might. parts of it really felt like i was just gossiping with an old friend. it was a good starter book, i think.
 |
| source: from amazon |
 |
| source: from amazon |
she lent matt the new dad's survival guide, which he plans to start reading once he finishes lovely bones.
 |
| source: from amazon |
 |
| source: from amazon |
 |
| source: from amazon |
i also picked up the baby name wizard. i have a few names in mind for a girl, and only one for a boy. and i'm not sure matt really likes any of them, ha ha. hopefully by going through this book we can find something that we both like.
 |
| source: from amazon |
 |
| source: from amazon |
i wanted a book that would tell me what to expect, not from pregnancy, but from the actual labor and delivery. i wanted it to be unbiased. i just want the facts. i looked into the ina may gaskin book, but some of the reviews said that it was very unbiased against hospital births. since i plan to deliver in a hospital, i don't want to read all the ways in which hospitals are terrible. i thought about the bradley method book, but again, it had horror stories about hospital births, and that's not what i want to read. not that i don't want to hear about the things that can go wrong, but i want it to be presented in such a way that it's not "hospitals are terrible, home births are best!" the reviews of the book i ended up with said that it was fair and balanced and provided a real, honest look at childbirth.
today while i was out at target i picked up a couple of belly bands. some of my work pants are close to being uncomfortable, and all of my shorts are. so hopefully this will help me get some more wear out of them.
based on reviews on hellobee, i ordered 2 coobie bras. i came across it because one of the bees had a bogo coupon code, and everyone started raving about the bras on the post. so i went ahead and ordered 2. dude, they are so comfortable. they are one-size-fits-all, and they grow with your expanding cup size as you go through your pregnancy. they are also nursing-friendly. i bought them mostly for sleeping because it's starting to get a little uncomfortable at night, but i may get a few more and make them a regular part of my wardrobe. definitely check them out!
i'm hoping to hold off a bit longer on maternity clothing, although if this bloating keeps up, i see maternity pants nearer in my future than i anticipated. anything you think i'm missing? any books you couldn't live without during pregnancy?
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