survivor guilt - mommy edition

i read enough to know that at some point from the moment i saw the word "pregnant" float up on that pee stick until inifinity, i was going to experience feelings of mommy guilt.  you know, i'm-not-spending-enough-time-with-my-baby....i-should-be-at-home-and-not-at-work...why-did-i-lose-my-patience...  all that good stuff.  i expected all of that and therefore have been able to contain it and reason myself out of it when it surfaces. 

what i didn't expect were these feelings of survivor guilt.  at almost 6 months in, i really have nothing to complain about regarding motherhood or parenting or newborns.  dax was an easy baby.  aside from cluster feeding, i really had very few issues during his super-young newborn period.  he is a happy baby.  we can take him anywhere and he adapts quickly and easily.  he can entertain himself.  when he's fussy, it's for a reason, usually because he's hungry, so it can easily be resolved by sticking a bottle or my boob in his face.  i am - we are - insanely lucky.  i am well aware of this fact.  i count my blessings every single day.  many many mothers before me struggled - with breastfeeding, with babies who don't sleep, with colicky babies.  i truly think it is not something that we are doing "right."  i think we just have an easy baby.  matt and i were both easy babies, and we are both laid-back humans.  i think daxon just has those traits from us. 

so when i see my sister struggling with quinn, i feel guilty.  quinn is a biter, so their breastfeeding relationship has been difficult.  he has terrible reflux (far worse than daxon ever did).  the medication he's on for the reflux makes him gassy.  he fusses a lot.  it is hard to be around for more than a few hours.  i don't know how callie does it for days/weeks on end.  especially because anthony travels for work, so there have been times when she's been alone with quinn for days.  they have tons of family around, but i get the impression that she doesn't reach out for help all that often.  so i feel guilty that i'm not closer by to help. 

and then beth, matt's cousin.  liam is now almost 10 weeks old (almost 36 weeks gestation).  he is still in the nicu, and still on the vent.  they have trialed removal of the vent several times, and each time he fails and needs to be reintubated.  apparently the doctors are now saying there is a chance he may never come off the vent.  he still has a pda (a hole in the pulmonary artery and the aorta that hasn't closed, so blood is not getting oxygen from the lungs).  they tried the medication given for pda, but he had a bad reaction to it, so they are basically just bidign their time to see if it closes.  my heart aches for them.  i feel guilty that i have this healthy, happy, full-term little baby, while they are struggling so much in the nicu.  

when daxon was fussing yesterday (because he was hungry) while i was trying to get one more thing done for dinner before taking him up to eat, i got frustrated and snipped at him.  then i thought about beth and how she probably wishes liam could fuss and express his needs so that she can attend to them.  and i felt terrible.  terrible that i yelled at dax, terrible that i didn't appreciate that he's healthy enough to have the lung capacity to yell for his needs, terrible that i'm not appreciating all of that.

i know that none of this can be helped.  i am doing nothing right anymore than they are doing anything wrong.  this is simply the way the cards fell.  babies are different and that's that.  there's nothing that i can do about it.  it is what it is.  i know it's silly to feel this way, but there it is. 

in vino veritas

on saturday, my sister and anthony and quinn came for a visit.  it was quinn's first time traveling, and the little guy did pretty well!  saturday night after the kidlets were in bed, the 4 of us sat out back on the patio and had some drinks and talked about parenthood and all that comes with it.  we swapped delivery stories (my labor and subsequent vaginal delivery and callie's scheduled c-section, since quinn was breech).  and then the boys started talking about the first time they saw their sons.  and, you guys, it was the sweetest thing.  i'll keep their words to myself, because it was private emotional things that were said in the sanctity of our back porch, but i nearly cried listening to matt talk about those first few moments.  i could cry now just thinking about it. 

watching matt be a daddy - playing with daxon, trying to make him laugh, feeding him a bottle, giving him a bath - is my greatest joy in life.  on saturday night, when we were in bed, i told him as much.  i told him how much i love watching him be a daddy.  i told him how proud i am of him.  i told him how my heart swells at the way daxon looks at him.

we said things that night that we simply hadn't gotten around to saying to each other yet.

in vino veritas...

one week

i cannot believe it's been over a week since daxon came into our lives.  looking at pictures, i already feel like he's changed so much.  we are getting to know each other, and i may not always be loving it, but i sure as heck can't stay mad at that sweet little face.

here are a few things we know so far:

-daxon hates being undressed.  whether it's for a clothing change, a diaper change, or a bath, he is not happy about it.  as soon as you get him all put together again, he's totally fine.

-daxon does not like the bath.  he screamed blood murder the entire time we bathed him.

  

-when he's awake, he's very alert.  not that he can see a great deal, but he looks around constantly, taking everything in.  a friend of mine once told me that alert newborns tend to grow up to be very smart.  

-he likes motion.  we discovered this the day we brought him home.  he was in a full scream fit until i sat down in the wheelchair with him on my lap in his car seat.  as soon as the wheelchair started to move...silence.  he likes the swing, and the car, too.

-he likes white noise.  at our first appointment with his pediatrician, we were very nervous, cuz we had no idea how he would do.  he was a champ, even though he had to be stripped down to his skivvies for the entire appointment.  well the office has loud white noise piping through its sound system, like muzak for babies.  we need to get him a white noise machine for his room.

-he has mixed feelings about pacifiers, which is fine, cuz so does mommy.  

-we seem to be very lucky in the sleep department (knock on wood).  he gets his last feeding at 8pm, which means he usually goes down for bed between 8:30-9, depending on how long he nurses.  i try to keep him up and eating as long as possible so he gets a really full belly.  the past 4 nights, he's then slept until 1or 2am, then gets up every 2-3 hours after that.  i'm hoping this continues, and that the additional feedings continue to stretch out.  our first few nights at home, we were up every 1.5-2 hours, so this is an enormous improvement.  

-he breastfeeds like an old pro.  his latch was perfect the very first time in the hospital, and continues to be spot on 95% of the time.  i have to readjust him a few times, but for the most part, he does awesome.  i am so grateful for this.

-i am a little worried that he may have reflux.  after he eats, he often gags, though he rarely burps or spits up.  he gets the hiccups a lot, and occasionally when he's really wailing, he arches his back and today it even seemed like he was kind of grabbing at his throat, but i may be imagining this.  i am going to keep an eye on it and possibly call the pediatrician.  

-i'm not going to lie and say i feel great.  i am still very sore, and am actually kind of concerned that one of my sutures has opened.  i think i am still bleeding more than i should be.  i am trying to take it easy, but that is really hard for me - i have never been good at relinquishing responsibility.  my mom was with me last week after matt went back to work, and even though she offered to clean and cook, i still ended up doing a lot of things myself, and i shouldn't have.  today, i have done much better and let matt do pretty much everything.  it is hard, and i feel like a lazy poop and keep apologizing and thanking matt, but i know i need to do it in order to be able to give daxon the care that he needs.  

-i have had a few total meltdowns and felt like i couldn't hack it as a mom, but for the most part, i feel like i'm doing pretty well.  being a mama is an amazing thing.  i am learning so much from daxon everyday.  already he is making me a better person.  he's a happy little boy (unless he's naked), and i could just sit and stare at him for hours.  i never knew my heart could be so full. 

am i ready...

it's 12:27am on wednesday morning.  tonight we check into the hospital to begin the induction process.  i tried to sleep but couldn't, so i'm back downstairs, watching a documentary about the great barrier reef and drinking warm milk.  i am at once excited and absolutely.fucking.terrified.

matt and i laid down in bed tonight and held each other, trying to relish our last few minutes of just us, the 2 of us, where it all started.  and i had to go and ruin the moment by starting to cry.  matt just held my hand and wiped my tears until i could finally verbalize..."all of a sudden, i'm really scared."  and that's when the real waterworks started.  he tried to reassure me, "you'll do great tomorrow."  but it's not just labor and delivery that i'm afraid of.  what if the nurses hand me the baby and i don't feel anything?  what if i just sit there and look at him and my only thought is, "i have no idea what the hell i'm doing here?"  what if i mess it all up?  what if i'm a terrible mother?  suddenly i feel completely inadequate and unprepared. 

sure, i've readied the nursery.  we have all the necessary stuff for bringing a baby home.  but do i have what it takes to raise a child?  do i have the perseverance to deal with breastfeeding issues?  will i be able to breastfeed at all?  will i ever truly understand what his cries mean and how to meet his needs?  will i be loving and responsive enough that he feels secure, but not overly smothering so that he never gains independence or learns to self-soothe?  will i be able to nurture his development?  will i be fun?  will i be able to help him with his homework? 

being a mom is a serious undertaking, and so many times i've questioned whether or not i'm ready.  i guess i don't have a choice, at this point.  he'll be here sometime within the next 48 hours (god willing!), and he'll be mine.  mine and matt's.  he'll be ours.  we'll be a family.  our own tiny little family. 

wow.  it's all so overwhelming....

end of pregnancy

to my dear baby boy,

you are 38 weeks old today.  i can't believe we've come this far and are so close to meeting you.  i sat in your nursery last night and looked around at all the pictures and stuff we have for you.  it is all set up and just waiting for you to come home.  i am so proud of all the work your daddy did and how hard we both worked to make it a special place for you.  i just know that you're going to love it.  i sat on the glider and thought about having you in my arms in that room, and i just wept.  i cannot wait to meet you.

gosh, i can't believe how much you've grown - from a little sesame seed to a watermelon!  and i know you will just continue to grow and grow.  and we will want to freeze time, i'm sure.  because it will all go so fast, just like this time did for us.  in some ways it feels like just yesterday that the word "positive" showed up on that tiny screen.  in other ways, it feels like ages ago.  either way, it's been 34 weeks since we found out and i can't believe it.

i was going through your clothing last night and just can't wrap my head around the fact that you are going to be so little when we bring you home.  those tiny little shirts and pants and hats!  they're smaller than the clothing i used to dress my dolls in!  

up until the past week or so, i have been perfectly content keeping you on the inside, safe and warm and snuggly.  but it's eviction time, little dude.  mama's belly is full.  her hips and her back hurt.  and she can't do anything without requiring major effort - you would laugh if you saw her trying to roll over in bed!  mama keeps telling you to wait until january, but you don't have to listen to her - this is one time in your life you're allowed to disobey me, so you should take advantage while you can!  anytime you're ready, we're ready for you. we'll be here, with open arms, open hearts, sappy smiles, lots of tears, and most likely some annoying camera flashes.  daddy will play guitar for you, mama will sing to you, and padfoot...well, she'll probably just sit and stare at you. 

hurry up, little one...i'm not sure my heart can take much more waiting! 

love,
mama

my boy

it's 4:27am.  i've been awake for an hour and 27 minutes.  i woke up at 3am for my nightly pee, and was wide awake from that point forward (don't get me started on my nightly panics about waking up in the 3 o'clock hour, thanks to the exorcism of emily rose).  after tossing and turning for an hour, i finally gave up and got up.  i'm sitting downstairs now, sportscenter on tv for noise, cheating on my registries, and thinking about our son.

our son.

dear baby boy,

i'm sorry that i don't talk to you as much as i probably should, but i hope that you "hear" the running conversation that i have with you in my head.  pregnancy has been such an incredible journey for me, and i cannot wait to meet you, the little man who has taken up residence and claimed his space in my belly and in my heart.  already you fill such a huge space in my heart, and i haven't even laid eyes on you yet.  i cannot even comprehend the level of love that i feel for you.

i constantly wonder who you'll be.  will you be funny, like your dad?  will you be stubborn, like your mom?  what is it that will make you just distinctly you?  i lay in bed, feeling you move, and think about the little personality you're already forming.  i think about what you look like, and can't wait to finally see you - study your face, count your tiny toes, kiss your little fingers, nuzzle your fuzzy head.  it's hard to believe that we are only 7 weeks away from meeting you, and yet it feels like it's eons away.

you aren't even here yet but you are so lucky already.  you have so many family members who are excited to meet you.  not just me, your daddy, and your fursister, padfoot.  but gigi and fritz, and grandpa, and aunt callie, uncle anthony, and your baby cousin.  i cannot wait to have cousin playdates with aunt callie and uncle anthony.  i am so excited that you will have a cousin to grow up with.  you have other cousins, too - gabe and avery.  they are much older than you but i know you will love them and look up to them.  so many others - pop and nunu, uncle mike, uncle dan... plus all your extended family members.  and our friends, who are the family we've chosen.  you will grow up surrounded by love, i can assure you.

i just can't wait to share our lives with you.  to dance in the living room.  read books in your nursery.  bake cookies in the kitchen.  create memories and start traditions and have our family quirks.  take you on vacations and show you the world.  watch you play with your cousins and chase padfoot around the house (she'll be terrified). 

oh, my little boy, i just cannot wait to meet you and see what a special little person you'll be.  i promise to let you be the person you're meant to be, to celebrate everything you are, and to help you become whatever you want to be.

love you,
mama

why i'm voting for barack obama

- because i believe in choice.  i believe that a woman should have the right to decide what happens to her body.  i believe that it is no man's business what i do with my reproductive organs.  mitt romney has clearly stated, over and over again, that he will overturn roe v wade.  he will also take away access to birth control for thousands of women.

- because i believe in our right to vote.  republicans are trying to take away people's rights to vote by using bogus claims of voter fraud to insist on voter ids.  voter ids that many poor, ill, and/or elderly people simply cannot obtain.  

- because i believe in supporting the poor and the disenfranchised. 

- because i believe it should be a right to have access to healthcare, not a privilege.  in nearly every other industrialized nation in the world, citizens have free or low-cost access to healthcare, no matter how much money they have or don't have.  mitt romney will repeal the affordable care act (which is nearly identical to his own healthcare plan that he started in massachusettes) on his first day in office.  millions will lose health insurance coverage.  millions more will be unable to get coverage due to pre-existing conditions.  this is unacceptable.

- because i support planned parenthood.  i support a woman's right to be able to go to a clinic and receive free or low-cost preventative care for their specific, delicate needs.  men do not understand this.  mitt romney does not understand this.  mitt romney will de-fund planned parenthood.

- because i support big bird.  and cookie monster, oscar the grouch, and all the other wonderful sesame street characters.  mitt romney will cut funding to pbs.  i grew up on pbs.  i want the same for my children.

- because i believe our veterans deserve healthcare, and (perhaps more importantly) mental health services. 

- because i believe no one should have to live in fear just because of who they love.  president obama signed the matthew shepherd and james byrd, jr hate crimes prevention act, which makes it a crime to commit a violent act against a person who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.

- because i believe in stem cell research. 

- because i think that states are simply incapable of handling large-scale natural disasters on their own.  mitt romney believes that fema should be disolved and that states should be left to clean up their own messes.  i can tell you, after seeing first-hand the destruction and disruption caused by hurricane sandy, new york and new jersey just cannot handle that.

- because i support the dream act.  what would this country be today if our ancestors hadn't come here by boat?  surely not all of them did it "legally."  mitt romney would overturn the dream act.

- because it's 2012, not 1952.

- because i believe i should make as much as my male counterparts.  president obama's first piece of legislation was the lily ledbetter fair pay act.  mitt romney and paul ryan voted against it.

- because i believe people should have the right to love - and marry - whomever they want.  i support marriage equality for my lgbt friends.  mitt romney believes that marriage is between a man and a woman.  end of story.

- because i believe that people shouldn't have to hide who they are.  president obama repealed don't ask, don't tell, allowing thousands of lgbt military members to come out and no longer be afraid of being discharged from service - a service they chose to join.

- because i am the 47%.  mitt romney says i'm lazy.  mitt romney doesn't give a shit about me - it's not his job to.

2 years

2 years ago today, i was lucky enough to marry an amazing man.

in just over 2 months from today, i will have the privilege of watching him become an amazing father.

happy anniversary to my best friend, who makes me laugh a thousand times a day.  this year will be our most challenging, most exciting year yet, and i cannot wait to face it and live it with you.  i love you, monkey.  always and forever. 

my thoughts on pregnancy - part 2

i can't believe my first post on my thoughts on pregnancy was a mere 8 weeks ago.  it feels like so much longer!  and things have really changed.

i have finally grasped the concept that i am definitely pregnant now.  i have a squirmy little baby in there and he makes his presence pretty well-known.  either with his little kicks, punches, and somersaults, or with his desire to nestle up in my ribs, i am very well aware of his existence at all times.  i love knowing he's there, and even though it sometimes hurts (i seriously think i may have a fractured rib by the end of this thing), i think that i will never tire of feeling him wiggle around in there.

i like to imagine that he's a polite little kicker/puncher.  like, he's just trying to mind his own business and stretch out, and when he hits me, he quickly says, "oops, sorry, mama" or "oh, excuse me."  i told matt my theory this morning.  he laughed at me.  but i'm certain that we have a little boy who already knows his manners. 

while i know he's there, i don't talk to him as much as i thought i would.  and matt has yet to really talk to him.  the only time i really directly address him is to politely ask him to please remove himself from my ribcage.  otherwise, we talk about him, but not really to him.  at first this really bothered me - aren't i supposed to be talking to him?  is it saying something about the mother i'm going to be if i'm not talking to my unborn child in my belly?  but i finally realized that it's not.  i show him my love by making sure i take care of myself and, by extension, him. 

i really thought that having people touch my belly would bother me.  i simply could not imagine how i would be comfortable with people encroaching on my personal space.  but it doesn't bother me.  people touch the belly and i'm totally ok with it.  i couldn't really figure out why, but sweet, brilliant sara at then comes life nailed it - it's because it means that this baby boy is already so loved, even by people who barely know me.  that is amazing.

i always knew i was a hippie born in the wrong age.  i've never been super-crunchy, but i've always embraced the hippie mentality of taking life as it comes and playing with the hand you're dealt.  but as i prepare myself to become a mother, i'm finding that many of the choices we're making for our child are pretty crunchy.  we're planning to cloth diaper.  i hope to breastfeed exclusively until we start baby-led weaning.  i intend to baby-wear as much as i can.

and i hope to have an intervention-free labor and delivery.  at the wedding we went to last weekend, i told my old college roommate this (after she asked if i planned to have an epidural).  her immediate response was, "i knew you'd be one of those moms."  she didn't meant it in a bad way.  she never understood my hippie ways in college, and so it was no surprise to her that i would want to continue being a hippie as an adult and into motherhood.

i saw this quote the other day, and i really want to use it in baby boy's nursery.  "where there is great love, there are miracles" (willa cather).  his daddy and i have a great love, and he is our little miracle.  and there is no greater feeling than that. 

not a good day

this has not been a good day for me, you guys.  i am not in a good head space.  rationally, i know that it is 80% hormonal, but nonetheless, i just spent my entire train ride home fighting tears, only to completely unleash in a full sobbing jag in the car and for the past 15 minutes.

i am so tired of people telling me how big i am.  of people saying, "wait, you're not due till january?!  wow!"  of people exclaiming that i look like i'm ready to pop.  what is it about pregnancy that makes people completely forget their manners?  just because i'm pregnant and i have a legitimate reason for an expanding belly doesn't automatically mean that i'm totally comfortable with the idea of an expanding belly. 

i have gained 17 pounds since i got pregnant.  i have never weighed this much in my life, and while i know that i am gaining weight because i'm creating and nourishing and nurturing a human being, it is unnerving to realize that my little 5'3" body is carrying 17 extra pounds.  i know it's just a number on a scale, but it's a scary number, and one that i've never seen before. 

having people constantly remind me that i'm "so big" is not helping.  i am big for 25 weeks - i know i am.  but i am a little person.  i am short-waisted.  i have nowhere for this baby to go but out.  and i have 15 weeks to go, which means that i am only going to get bigger.  and more uncomfortable. 

i am also tired of people telling me that i'm going to have a big baby.  or that he's going to come early.  a big baby or an early baby are not things that make a mama-to-be happy to hear, despite what you may think.  a big baby terrifies me, for a number of reasons.  the first being that i want him to be healthy.  i am already feeling like i'm having trouble processing sugar, so the idea that my baby is big is extra scary, because all i can think about is gestational diabetes and macrosomia.  the second reason is because i want to have a natural delivery, and i know that if we have a big baby, the chances of that are slim.  the last reason is that i want to have a full-term delivery.  i know that babies are considered full term at 37 weeks, and that's great, but i'd like to keep him cooking for as close to 40 weeks as i can. yes, at this moment, baby is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, but our ultrasound tech assures me that he's still falling well within the normal range and i shouldn't worry. 

and today, i just feel huge.  i am uncomfortable.  my back aches.  my stomach feels so stretched it's like it's trying to detach itself from my body.  i am not a happy pregnant woman today.  and having 3 people tell me i'm ready to pop and that my big baby is coming early is not helping.  i feel overwhelmed and scared and sad.  right now, i just want to crawl into a hole and finish out this pregnancy with just me, matt, and my family.  i want to stop seeing people.  i want to stop having people on the street stare at me like i'm a freak of nature. 

but most of all, i just want people to stop commenting on my belly.  is that too much to ask?

11 years

is it just me, or does 9/11 feel a little different this year with bin ladin rotting in hell?  not that it's any less sad, just...different.

i wrote this post last year on my wedding blog, and i don't really think i could say it any better this year...

My last semester of college.  About to graduate.  About to go out into the world.  So excited.

I woke up and took a shower.  In my towel, I went down into our living room to turn on the tv and check the weather forecast.  My usual Tuesday routine.  Only this time, I turned on the weather channel to a quick local report, then "But we'll get you back to New York, now, since we know you're all wondering about that"  Wondering about what?  They switched over.  The first tower was on fire.  What the...?  Put on CNN.  The second I found CNN, the second tower exploded.  In that instant, I knew - our country was under attack.  A gut feeling.  I just sensed it.  One plane is an accident.  But two?  That's pure malice.

I was glued.  I missed my first class while I watched the towers fall.  Finally, I got dressed and drove to campus.  Went to class.  No one could pay attention.  Professor dismissed us in 20 minutes.  I went back home.  My roommates were there.  We sat, together, in our little house, watching the news all day.  I called my sister - she's fine.  I called my dad - he's fine.  I couldn't get through to my mom, who was traveling.  She finally called me.  She's fine, just "worried about my little social worker and her big heart."  It was true.  I was devastated.  All that loss.  All that fear.  All those poor families.  I burst into tears.  My roommates and I cried together.

The days that followed were sad.  Scary.

The weeks that followed were confusing.

The years that followed have been sad.  Scary.  Confusing.

10 years later, and the images have no less affect on me than they did that day.  I weep for the families who still mourn.  My heart swells with pride in the policemen and firefighters who drove in while everyone else ran out.


9/11/01. our hearts are always with you.

my thoughts on pregnancy

i'm 20 weeks and 1 day in.  if it weren't for this big belly that's popping out of me, i honestly wouldn't even know i was pregnant.  yes, i'm tired, but i have gone through fits of this my whole life.  yes, my tailbone hurts, but that could be from anything.  yes, i'm constantly hungry, but i've had periods like this before, where i'm ravenous all the time.  yes, i'm having food cravings, but cravings have come and gone for me over the years (i specifically remember i went through a salad phase in high school where all i wanted was salad).   i'm not feeling him move yet.  i never experienced any morning sickness or extreme exhaustion.  my complexion is, for the most part (knock on wood), still holding up.

i'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this whole "i'm creating a human being" thing.  despite the fact that i've now had 6 ultrasounds and have seen my baby pretty much every other week since 12 weeks, i just still can't comprehend the fact that there's a little person growing inside of me.  i just don't feel like i really believe it yet.

because of this, i sometimes feel like i'm faking my excitement.  i just don't know how to get excited about something when i can't believe that it's real yet!  i thought maybe once we knew the sex and i could define a "personality" to the baby i'd feel differently, but it still just kind of feels surreal.  maybe once i start feeling him? 

don't get me wrong, i am so excited that we're going to have a baby.  i have wanted to be a mama for as long as i can remember, and i cannot wait to meet this little dude.  i can't wait to hold him in my arms, smell him, and smother him with kisses.  i can't wait to see matt as a daddy. 

i just can't believe it's actually happening, that's all. 

psu revisted

at first, i tried to be sympathetic.  my sister is a penn state alumna and i know how much penn state means to her.  when the story first broke last year, she was devastated.  for the sake of my sister and my friends, i tried to stay supportive of the students, all the while expressing my discontent, disbelief, and disgust at the way the administration handled everything - from their knowledge that sandusky was a pedophile to their firing of paterno.  each time i put down the administration, i acknowledged that penn state is a great university and that i support its students.

after the ncaa handed down their penalty, i continued to support the students and alumni.  i said that it's a shame for the current players who had visions of bowl games and nfl contracts dancing in their heads.  not that i don't think the penalties are fair - i absolutely do (and here's why).  but i sympathize with the plight of the current students and athletes.  

then i saw this.

and now i'm pissed off.  any sympathy i had for the students and players is gone.  all i keep hearing from my friends who are penn state alumni is "we are more than just football."  you want to prove that?  this is not the way to do it.  this is a disgrace.  this is distasteful.  penn state is better than this.  this proves everything that every naysayer has said about penn state.  this shows that this is not an academic institution but a football school.  this shows no thought whatsoever for the victims. how do you think the victims feel, knowing an entire football team, university, and alumni network are pissed off....because they came forward? 

quit showing me pictures of thon and telling me you care about the kids.  everyone knows you care about kids with cancer.  one of my sister's friends posted "caring about penn state and caring about the victims is not mutually exclusive."  no?  prove it.  show me you care about sandusky's victims, and all victims of childhood sexual abuse.  this year, make thon benefit victims of childhood abuse.

it is time to move on.  coach o'brien says it's time to stop looking at the past and look to the future.  the ncaa has handed down the sanctions and like them or not, you are going to have to deal with them.  penn state is not the only school who has been dealt sanctions, or did you forget about ohio state, who has scholarship reductions and is still banned from postseason.  the exact same penalties handed to penn state.  no, these weren't field violations (which is the argument i've seen many times as to why the sanctions are out of line), but they were moral violations that were perpetuated by the athletic department.  and that athletic department needs to be held accountable.

yes, it's a shame that the current students and players are having to pay for crimes committed 10+ years ago.  yes, the university as a whole will be affected by this.  but think about the children who lost their innocence at the hands of one man, and who weren't protected by those in a position to do so.  who have been affected by this for the past 20 years and will continue to have to live with this for the rest of their lives.

penn state, you are better than this.  you are a strong institution.  a true football legacy.  the biggest alumni network in the country.  it's time to band together.  your legacy is at risk because a few men didn't do the right thing.  be better than they were.  i am not a penn state fan, but i know you can do this. 

psu

if you were paying attention to my "if you really knew me" post, you'd have noticed that one of the things said that if you really knew me, you'd know i was a michigan fan not only because i have family who live there, but also because i hated penn state so much that i just wanted to cheer for one of their rivals.  this is 100% accurate.

if you ever set foot in central pa, you know very quickly that you are in penn state territory.  growing up there, everyone was a penn state fan, if not a penn state alum.  we may as well have lived in state college.  penn state football was the religion, and joe paterno was the deity.  he was revered like a god.  in the eyes of most central pennsylvanians, joepa could do no wrong.

i realize now that i have never been one to like something just because it's popular.  in fact, i will often choose to take an opposite stance on something just so i can be different.  or just so i can argue.  i always thought that i chose to be a michigan fan because my favorite cousin, who i idolized, lived in michigan, loved u of m, and ended up going there for college.  as i've gotten older, though, and as i've secretly relished watching my penn state fan friends wallow in misery as michigan beat them year after year, i've started to realize that my loyalty to michigan had nothing to do with my cousin and everything to do with my chance to be a thorn in everyone's side.  i privately gloated as penn state lost games and as they played terrible football.  and i say privately because i don't like to be an obnoxious sports fan and rub it in people's faces.  nobody likes that person. 

none of this is to say that when the scandal broke about jerry sandusky i was in any way, shape, or form happy to see penn state fall from grace.  when the story first broke, i made clear my belief that joe paterno and others in administration did far less than they should have, but that i still supported the school and the students and alumni, many of whom i count as friends.  i got into arguments on facebook with friends who refused to acknowledge that their precious joepa had done any wrong.  when i made a statement that paterno didn't do enough and didn't do the right thing, one of my sister's friends, who had graduated from penn state with callie, asked if i had read the report that stated that he had done nothing illegal.  i responded that i haven't read the report, but i don't need to to know right from wrong.  but then the university fired him.  and didn't let him finish the season.  and it made me sad that he was being forced out ahead of schedule.  i mourned for my sister, who was devastated by the news.  it all seemed tragically wrong to me.

and then this past week's fbi report came out, confirming that coach paterno and the 3 others in administration had knowingly covered up the abuse for 14 years.  they had continued to let sandusky on campus, around children.  they had covered it up, all for the good of the program.  and i'm sad all over again.  sad for all the students and alumni who thought that there was still some way that they could hold paterno up to a higher standard.  and it all came crashing down.  he was just as guilty as everyone else.  he knew about the abuse and he didn't do anything with that knowledge.

there are a lot of people out there calling for a lot of things, from tearing down paterno's statue to suspending the football program.  i agree with taking down the statue.  his behavior - or lack thereof - shouldn't be memorialized.  he shouldn't be idolized.  if they want to keep it on campus, then move it to the fine arts building, so people can choose to visit it.  don't force people to walk by it and remember the many ways in which paterno disappointed them, not to mention the ways in which he let down those children.  some people argue that he did so many other great things for the university.  so what?  no matter what he did for the university, he still allowed sandusky to destroy the lives of multiple young boys.

i'm torn about suspending the football program.  on the one hand, why punish the current players for wrongs committed by their administration?  on the other hand, the penn state football program needs to learn that they have to held accountable.  that just because they bring in money for the university, doesn't mean they can be above the rules. 

it's all a big ol' mess, and having grown up in central pa makes it so much more intense.  i hope that eventually everyone can move forward.  in the meantime, i think this coming football season is going to be a tough one for everyone involved.  it'll be interesting to watch it all unfold.

on my heart

wednesday afternoon, my friends karen and greg lost their son from complications from cerebral palsy.  christopher was 29 years old.  karen is one of my very dear friends and her husband (who also happens to be my train conductor) is one of my favorite people.  their oldest daughter, who is my age, is due to have her baby next week, and is unable to come home for a funeral or any kind of services...even to say goodbye to her brother.  my heart just aches for their family. 

please keep them in your thoughts and prayers this week. 

10 years

10 years ago today, my life was turned upside down in such a way that i never thought i'd right myself again.  there were tears, there was bitterness, there was anger, and there was fear.  there were dark days.  this song was my beacon.  it's been 10 years.  and here i stand.  better.  stronger.

on my heart

i recently found out that a coworker of mine is pregnant.  this is her 5th baby to a 4th baby-daddy.  she is desperately trying to keep this pregnancy a secret and doesn't want anyone to know about it.  she apparently told another coworker that she doesn't believe in birth control.  um, clearly.

it hurts me to say this, but i'm so mad about it.  here is a woman who just keeps getting pregnant by accident.  she doesn't actually raise any of these kids - her parents do most of the chlid-rearing (she herself has told me this, i'm not being catty and speculating).  she so easily gets pregnant and takes that completely for granted.

and yet, here we are, 7 months into ttc and we're not pregnant.  my fellow ttc'ers on hellobee are struggling.  thousands of women are struggling.  and here she's popping out kids left and right. 

i know it sounds mean.  it sounds bitter and jealous and catty.  and it is.  i don't want to feel this way, but i do.  i'm angry that it's taking us so long to conceive while others do it by accident.  i'm frustrated that my body is failing me.  i'm bitter that a woman who doesn't even seem to want to be pregnant is. 

but mostly, i'm sad.  my heart is so heavy with this news.  i don't want to be a bitter, angry person.  but there it is. 

i just want it to be our turn.