exploring faith

i know i've mentioned before that religion and church were never a big part of my life.  i was baptized at about 18 months old.  my parents took my sister at around the same age, and the pastor at the church told them that she would go to hell since she hadn't already been baptized.  so my sister was baptized when she was 15, when she asked for it.  i never had a formal first communion, and i never was confirmed.  i just one day started going up and taking communion.  i have absolutely no idea if that is even legal, but the way i look at is that jesus simply doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would care about formal ceremonies.  from the little that i've read and heard about him, he seemed like a pretty laid-back, accepting kind of person.  i doubt he cares whether or not i went through some ritualistic thing to receive the sacrament.  at least i'm doing it.  who knows, maybe i'm wrong.  but so far, i haven't been struck down, so i guess it's working ok for everyone involved.

despite all of this, i felt that it was important to get daxon baptized. we scheduled it at the church in hershey where we got married.  pastor cindy gave us a bunch of reading materials related to baptism: a book for daxon about the magic of water, a copy of the baptism program, and a book about baptism for parents and sponsors.  we have asked my sister and anthony to be daxon's godparents (sidenote, are they even considered godparents if they're not catholic?).  i started reading the book about baptism and it really got me thinking about my own faith.

in all honesty, i'm not entirely sure of what exactly i believe in.  i'm not really sure that anyone "answers" prayers.  i think that you can say a prayer and someone hears it, but the ultimate ending to that story is that fate is already decided.  what is going to happen is going to happen, no matter how many people pray for a different outcome.  despite that, i have found that when things are feeling particularly bleak, saying a prayer brings me peace.  i find peace in attending church and putting my concerns and fears and hopes into the universe.  so i think that i believe that there is a higher power that is driving our life, but the direction that it takes and the events that happen are already predetermined. 

and with confessing of sins and all that, i'm not really sure that i believe that confessing my sins to a higher power truly absolves me of that action.  what's done is done.  but i do believe that in the end, all of my indiscretions will be forgiven.  forgiven, not forgotten, which is how i live my own life.

i am still weeding through my thoughts on jesus and being the son of god and the second-coming.  in fact, i am still weeding through a lot of it.  but for now, matt and i have found a local church that we like and we are hoping to attend more regularly and get a bit more involved.  if not for our sake, then for daxon's. 

believe

a few posts ago, i talked about my desire to find a church for our family.  i mentioned that i didn't grow up attending church or learning bible stories.  so, in reality, i'm not entirely sure what my beliefs are.  i'd like to expand on that a bit, because i've been thinking about it a lot.

a few months ago i started following the blog the wiegand's.  casey is a beautiful and honest writer.  and she has deep and faithful love of the lord.  reading her words and feeling her candid belief in god kind of makes me feel empty.  like i'm missing something.  or missing out on something.  for years, i have eschewed religion and - more often - religious people.  i have thought them condescending and preachy.  i have found organized religion to be hypocritical and closed-minded.  and i have wanted to distance myself from that lifestyle.  lately, though, i'm finding myself drawn to it.  not necessarily to organized religion, but to deep spirituality and faith.  i think it is so beautiful to read how casey is able to turn herself over to prayer and seek peace, understanding, and answers.  some of her posts have brought me to tears and i find myself wanting to experience that level of devotion.

i very recently started following momastery, as well.  a friend of mine kept posting links to her posts on facebook, and i wandered over to see what all the fuss is about.  glennon is another beautiful writer with a deep connection to god.  her most recent post about the moment she thought she was going to lose her baby had me in tears on the train.  her unwavering belief that her husband's picture in the magazine she was reading meant that their baby was going to be ok is so inspiring.  it's something i've never experienced before - to just know something, deep within my gut.  to just have faith that someone or something was taking care of  me.  what a comfort that must be.


for years, i have denied the existence of a god, or higher power.  i have said that i believe that in life, you face choices, and you make decisions, and you deal with the consequences of those decisions, good or bad.  you are the driver and no one else.  but when i dig deep down into myself, i find that i actually do believe in something else.  i'm just not sure what that is.  i believe in a higher power of some sort (hence to forth will be referred to as god, because writing out "a higher power of some sort" each time is long and stupid).  i believe that you are given situations in which you have to make a decision.  those situations and the choices they present are part of your life.  i don't think god makes the decisions for me.  i don't even think god knows what decision i will make.  i think that with my own free will, i make my choices.  and sometimes i'm pretty sure they surprise god as much as they surprise me.  and look, i've made some pretty shitty decisions.  i've gone through some struggles in my life, and they've been hard and have tested me more than ever thought possible. and yet, here i am, a strong, independent, courageous, happy woman.  i no longer think i'm alone in making that happen.

maybe it's because of this ttc journey that i'm feeling a little lost.  that i'm feeling like a little guidance and faith would do me good.  maybe it's because i'm hoping to become a mother, which is the hardest but most rewarding job on the planet.  and i'm scared.  like any woman is, i'd imagine.  i want to make sure i do it right - all of it.  and what a feeling it must be for people who can sit down, speak to the lord, and feel heard.  and have faith that somewhere, someone or something is listening.  really listening. that's all i want.  and i'm on a mission to find it.  to dig deep within myself and find the place where i can believe in that.  to let go of all my skepticism and fears and condemnation and just give in.