not a good day

this has not been a good day for me, you guys.  i am not in a good head space.  rationally, i know that it is 80% hormonal, but nonetheless, i just spent my entire train ride home fighting tears, only to completely unleash in a full sobbing jag in the car and for the past 15 minutes.

i am so tired of people telling me how big i am.  of people saying, "wait, you're not due till january?!  wow!"  of people exclaiming that i look like i'm ready to pop.  what is it about pregnancy that makes people completely forget their manners?  just because i'm pregnant and i have a legitimate reason for an expanding belly doesn't automatically mean that i'm totally comfortable with the idea of an expanding belly. 

i have gained 17 pounds since i got pregnant.  i have never weighed this much in my life, and while i know that i am gaining weight because i'm creating and nourishing and nurturing a human being, it is unnerving to realize that my little 5'3" body is carrying 17 extra pounds.  i know it's just a number on a scale, but it's a scary number, and one that i've never seen before. 

having people constantly remind me that i'm "so big" is not helping.  i am big for 25 weeks - i know i am.  but i am a little person.  i am short-waisted.  i have nowhere for this baby to go but out.  and i have 15 weeks to go, which means that i am only going to get bigger.  and more uncomfortable. 

i am also tired of people telling me that i'm going to have a big baby.  or that he's going to come early.  a big baby or an early baby are not things that make a mama-to-be happy to hear, despite what you may think.  a big baby terrifies me, for a number of reasons.  the first being that i want him to be healthy.  i am already feeling like i'm having trouble processing sugar, so the idea that my baby is big is extra scary, because all i can think about is gestational diabetes and macrosomia.  the second reason is because i want to have a natural delivery, and i know that if we have a big baby, the chances of that are slim.  the last reason is that i want to have a full-term delivery.  i know that babies are considered full term at 37 weeks, and that's great, but i'd like to keep him cooking for as close to 40 weeks as i can. yes, at this moment, baby is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, but our ultrasound tech assures me that he's still falling well within the normal range and i shouldn't worry. 

and today, i just feel huge.  i am uncomfortable.  my back aches.  my stomach feels so stretched it's like it's trying to detach itself from my body.  i am not a happy pregnant woman today.  and having 3 people tell me i'm ready to pop and that my big baby is coming early is not helping.  i feel overwhelmed and scared and sad.  right now, i just want to crawl into a hole and finish out this pregnancy with just me, matt, and my family.  i want to stop seeing people.  i want to stop having people on the street stare at me like i'm a freak of nature. 

but most of all, i just want people to stop commenting on my belly.  is that too much to ask?

october's 31-day photo challenge - self portrait

my sweet hellobee/bloggy friend mrs.jyw at convention bliss linked up with our wired lives' 2012 october photo challenge.  i'd always wanted to link up with one of these but never stumbled across one till, like, the 10th of the month and by that time it seemed stupid.  so here i am, on the first of october, linking up and starting fresh! 

 

today's theme is self-portrait.   i took this just now in my office.  i am tired.  i slept terribly on saturday, and then didn't go to bed when i should have last night to make up for it.  i accidentally turned off my alarm this morning instead of hitting snooze, so i woke up an hour late and had to take the later train in to work.  i am wearing my favorite necklace, which was a gift from my mom and step-dad from their trip to italy - it is  murano glass and it is so swirly and pretty.  i just noticed that i have my hand on my belly, which is kind of standard procedure for me these days.  i am so in love with feeling this little boy move around inside of me.  i place my hand on my belly subconsciously i think these days, just to feel him flutter around.

looking forward to seeing how creative i can get with this this month! 

25 weeks

baby is the size of: a rutabaga
how far along are you: 25 weeks 3 days
what's happening with baby: Baby is beginning to exchange the long and lean look for some baby at.  As this happens, wrinkled skin will smooth out and he will start to look more and more like a newborn.  Baby's also growing more hair - if we could see it, we'd be able to discern its color and texture!
due date: jan 10
maternity clothes: everything i wear is maternity, at this point, with the exception of a few open-front cardigans and a couple dresses.    
sleep: not going well.
best moment this week: baby went to his first concert last saturday.  we went to see farm aid in hershey.  it was so much fun.  baby was pretty quiet, but that's probably because mommy was up dancing quite a bit.
what are you looking forward to: we have one more ultrasound on monday.  this will be our last look at baby boy until he makes his grand entrance! 
food cravings: nothing in particular this week.
food/smell aversions: nothing.
what do you miss:  normal sleep. not worrying about whether or not i have gestational diabetes.
symptoms: big belly.  back pain in the middle of the night.  heartburn.  and still this issue with processing sugar.
gender: baby boy!! 
belly button: in. but it's definitely stretching, and if i stretch the skin around my belly button, it starts to pop up a little. 
rings: on, and for most of this week it was ok.

dr. karp versus mom

i just finished reading the happiest baby on the block and i have to say, it really resonated with me.  dr. karp's ideas about calming a fussy baby make a shit-ton of sense, if you ask me.  his theory, after years of being a pediatrician and doing research on colicky infants, is that babies are simply born too early.  what they really need is another 3 months in the womb, but since women cannot be physically split in half and sewn back together in order to birth a 15-pound child, we evict them at 40 weeks.  when they are still woefully underdeveloped, emotionally.

dr. karp says that in order to calm a crying infant, you need to recreate the womb for him.  this is where baby felt safest, and in order to calm down, he needs to feel that sense of security again.  dr. karp has come up with the 5 s's of quieting a screaming baby - swaddle, stomach/side position, shush, swing, and suck.  by doing these 5 things for baby, it helps to recreate that feeling of being securely wrapped in your uterus, and suddenly he's able to calm down again and - hopefully - fall asleep.  but i'm not here to talk about the 5 s's.  maybe another post.

i'm here to talk about dr. karp's insistence that constantly holding/carrying/picking up your infant when he cries will not spoil him.  i don't know about you, but i was always told that you shouldn't pick a child up every time he cries because he'll get spoiled and start to expect it.  it's what my mom always said.  she also always said, "if you don't raise them, they'll raise you."  her theory was that you have to let them figure out how to fend for and entertain themselves.   it was the way my parents (i'm assuming) raised me, and i turned out ok, so i always figured it's gotta be right, right?  why not?  it makes sense.  the sooner baby learns to entertain himself, the better.  as my friends started having babies, i began parroting that advice to them (which, as i now understand, must have been so obnoxious).  after reading dr. karp, i'm not so sure anymore.

dr. karp says that in a baby's first 3-4 months, all he understands is that he's uncomfortable/cold/hungry/scared/whatever, and suddenly there's this person, making it better.  he isn't capable of putting two and two together to figure out that a) he's actually crying when he's feeling any of the above and b) that his crying brings us to him.  all he knows is that he has a need and it's being met.  and that makes him feel safe.  that makes a lot of sense to me.  by the time baby is 4-5 months old, he is now capable of self-soothing, and will not need you to come and rescue him from himself.  and this is when you can let him sit and cry in his crib for a few minutes.  he'll figure out how to get his fingers in his mouth and calm himself down.  

of course, matt hasn't read the book yet, but in describing it to him, he thinks it sounds like a good idea.  i think i'm going to get the happiest baby on the block dvd so that we can both get a good visual on what the 5 s's look like.  it's a novel approach in my family, but one that i think i'd like to take.  i want to make sure our baby feels safe and secure.  but i don't want to spoil him.  after reading dr. karp's theories, i feel this can be achieved. 

did you read happiest baby on the block?  have you tested any of his theories on your infant?  

24 weeks

 
baby is the size of: an ear of corn
how far along are you: 24 weeks 3 days
what's happening with baby: baby gained about 4 oz since last week, putting him a just over a pound.  his brain is growing rapidly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop.  his lungs are growing branches of the respiratory tree, as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his lungs inflate when he hits the outside world.  his skin is still thin and translucent.
due date: jan 10
maternity clothes: everything i wear is maternity, at this point, with the exception of a few open-front cardigans and a couple dresses.    
sleep: not going well.
best moment this week: matt finally got to feel baby boy!  and i've been feeling him much more often lately.  i know eventually i'll be cursing him kicking my ribs or standing on my bladder, but for now, i absolutely love it.      
what are you looking forward to: 24-week appointment on thursday.  i am having some concerns about my ability to process sugar these days.  i also want to ask the doctor about these red marks i have all over my upper body.
food cravings: cinnabon.  i have not given into the cravings, though, because i am sensing that my body is not processing sugar well.  every time i eat something moderately sugary, i get the shakes and i feel like i'm having palpitations.  
food/smell aversions: nothing.
what do you miss: sleep.  and being able to eat a normal meal without feeling uncomfortable for 2 hours afterwards. 
symptoms: thankfully, the tailbone pain is either getting better or i'm getting used to it.  but as i said, i'm having this weird reaction to sugar.  and my back hurts.  and i'm definitely feeling more emotional and hormonal.
gender: baby boy!! 
belly button: in. but it's definitely stretching, and if i stretch the skin around my belly button, it starts to pop up a little. 
rings: on, but had to remove them the past couple of days.  

news notes

airlines 'playing chicken' with passengers, charging 'you-get-to-sit-with-your-kid' fee - this is so infuriating.  if i were those parents, i'd refuse to pay, then make a big scene at the airport.  i'm not one for making scenes, usually, but this is outrageous.  i'd be so pissed if they tried to split me from my child on a flight!

mitt romney, secretly taped, tells his truths at a fundraiser - what.an.idiot.  he may as well gift-wrap the presidency for obama.

at voter-id hearing, pa justices have tough questions and a surprise - to vote in this country is a right, not a privilege. it should not be only those who have access to the dmv to obtain this "voter id" who get to exercise their right, but all citizens. i guess "limited government" only means limited oversight of corporations and big business taxes, but total control over our rights to vote and our bodies.

board of pardons to hear case of philly prisoner sentenced to die oct. 3 - "we feel that waiting a few more months to make sure that we're doing it right, that we're doing it fairly, that it is worth doing, all of these things, is a reasonable approach to take." shouldn't the same care and caution be taken for the voter id law, before you strip ordinary citizens of their right to vote?

whooping cough vaccine vital for adults, too - this is why it's so important to get your children vaccinated.  i got the pertussis vaccine both when i started working at shriners and again when i started at my current job.  i told matt that he needs to go to his primary doctor soon and get all of his vaccines updated, including asking for the pertussis vaccine. 

pa natives will be able to get same-day voter id from penndot - well, i suppose it's a step in the right direction, but still not good enough.  it still requires people to figure out a way to get to penndot and then stand in line for what could be hours. 

nyc babymoon - part 2

ok, so i got us covered up through saturday night., right?

sunday morning, we woke up and ordered room service.  it was outrageously expensive (we paid more for our breakfast in bed than we do for most of our dinners out), but it was so lovely to relax in our bed and just have breakfast brought to us.  not to mention, it was delicious.  i had cinnamon raisin challah french toast with a mixed berry mascarpone.  it was heavenly.  after we finished our breakfast, matt got in the shower and i lounged around a bit more.  finally, i got in the (rain) shower and then we headed out to catch the subway up to 72nd street.  the subway was right outside our hotel, so it was really easy.  we took the c train north and got off at 72nd street.

i have been in new york city what feels like a gazillion times and have never once seen the dakota building or the john lennon memorial in central park.  so we decided we'd stop there on our way up to the american museum of natural history.  standing in the place where john lennon once lived and where he was shot and killed was an odd feeling.  i have been a beatles fan for as long as i can remember, and john was by far my favorite.  after the beatles split, he became such an outspoken advocate for peace and understanding, and everything he wrote, spoke, and sang about has always deeply resonated with me.  after standing there and admiring the dakota for a few minutes, we crossed the street and walked into central park to strawberry fields, the section of the park dedicated to the memory of john lennon.  we stopped very briefly at the memorial and took a few pictures and then walked through the park up to 77th street to the museum.

guard tower outside the dakota

the gate and driveway where john lennon was shot

the  memorial

in central park

i have been at the american museum of natural history once, and thought it was really incredible.  i wanted to take matt there and he'd never seen actual dinosaur fossils, so he was looking forward to going.  the first thing i did, though, was take a picture of the building. 

almost 16 years ago, 3 of my very best friends and i sat, huddled with about 700 other cheerleaders, on those front steps, waiting for the 1996 macy's thanksgiving day parade to begin.  it was 18-degrees out, freezing drizzle, and we could not have been more cold.  but it was one of the most exciting days of my life, and i wouldn't trade it for the world.  we marched in that parade, cheering our hearts out, and then performed out dance at herald's square like it was the last dance we'd ever do.  i will never ever forget that day.  it has such a special place in my heart.

anyway, after i got my fill of nostalgia, we headed into the museum.  we only really had about an hour, so we headed straight up to the 4th floor to check out the dinosaurs.  you guys, dinosaurs are so cool.  once we finally finished gawking at the fossils and bones and marveling at their size, we went down to the african mammals exhibit.  if you ever get a chance to see the museum of natural history, please take more time to wander through all the animal exhibits.  they are just amazng, and i really wish we'd had more time. 

t-rex!

huge prehistoric turtle

matt calls me cheetah and padfoot is little cheetah.  i know, he's weird

 

unfortunately, we had a bus to catch, so we caught the subway back to the hotel, hopped in a cab, and got back on the bus to head home. 

it was a short weekend, but i'm so glad we got the chance to get a way for a bit.