Monday, October 1, 2012

not a good day

this has not been a good day for me, you guys.  i am not in a good head space.  rationally, i know that it is 80% hormonal, but nonetheless, i just spent my entire train ride home fighting tears, only to completely unleash in a full sobbing jag in the car and for the past 15 minutes.

i am so tired of people telling me how big i am.  of people saying, "wait, you're not due till january?!  wow!"  of people exclaiming that i look like i'm ready to pop.  what is it about pregnancy that makes people completely forget their manners?  just because i'm pregnant and i have a legitimate reason for an expanding belly doesn't automatically mean that i'm totally comfortable with the idea of an expanding belly. 

i have gained 17 pounds since i got pregnant.  i have never weighed this much in my life, and while i know that i am gaining weight because i'm creating and nourishing and nurturing a human being, it is unnerving to realize that my little 5'3" body is carrying 17 extra pounds.  i know it's just a number on a scale, but it's a scary number, and one that i've never seen before. 

having people constantly remind me that i'm "so big" is not helping.  i am big for 25 weeks - i know i am.  but i am a little person.  i am short-waisted.  i have nowhere for this baby to go but out.  and i have 15 weeks to go, which means that i am only going to get bigger.  and more uncomfortable. 

i am also tired of people telling me that i'm going to have a big baby.  or that he's going to come early.  a big baby or an early baby are not things that make a mama-to-be happy to hear, despite what you may think.  a big baby terrifies me, for a number of reasons.  the first being that i want him to be healthy.  i am already feeling like i'm having trouble processing sugar, so the idea that my baby is big is extra scary, because all i can think about is gestational diabetes and macrosomia.  the second reason is because i want to have a natural delivery, and i know that if we have a big baby, the chances of that are slim.  the last reason is that i want to have a full-term delivery.  i know that babies are considered full term at 37 weeks, and that's great, but i'd like to keep him cooking for as close to 40 weeks as i can. yes, at this moment, baby is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, but our ultrasound tech assures me that he's still falling well within the normal range and i shouldn't worry. 

and today, i just feel huge.  i am uncomfortable.  my back aches.  my stomach feels so stretched it's like it's trying to detach itself from my body.  i am not a happy pregnant woman today.  and having 3 people tell me i'm ready to pop and that my big baby is coming early is not helping.  i feel overwhelmed and scared and sad.  right now, i just want to crawl into a hole and finish out this pregnancy with just me, matt, and my family.  i want to stop seeing people.  i want to stop having people on the street stare at me like i'm a freak of nature. 

but most of all, i just want people to stop commenting on my belly.  is that too much to ask?


Anonymous said...

I totally can relate to how you're feeling! I started getting comments around week 23-24 about how "large" I was...the worst comment was from a guy I work with who repeatedly told me how I was going to "blow up" during the last 12 weeks. I seriously wanted to punch him in the face. I'm 32 weeks now and the comments are still coming daily, but I'm starting to get more comments that I "look great"...I hope those continue and the obnoxious ones continue to decrease.

Like I posted about a few weeks ago--the only acceptable comment to make about the way a pregnant lady looks is to tell her she looks great. THAT'S IT.

Jessica said...

As a former pregnant person and someone who sees LOTS of pregnant people... You are SOOO not big. People don't have anything to compare you to so they just word-vomit things just to make conversation. I think you look fabulous and 17 pounds is just right!!

Screw em. You are awesome and growing a HUMAN!

Anonymous said...

UGH!! This makes me so angry! I do NOT like at all the rude and inconsiderate comments that people make to pregnant women! UNCALLED FOR. First off - you look amazing! LOVED YOUR PHOTO POST FROM YESTERDAY! :)

P.S. Don't feel bad about having a BAD day. I've had many of those and you deserve it!

lavenderpug said...

aw, i'm sorry about the bad day. i don't think you're even that big, but regardless, even if you were twice the size you are now, people should know better.

my friend, who is also about your height, started showing early and one of her coworkers actually would call her "fatty". like, that was his nickname for her. what is wrong with people.