this has not been a good day for me, you guys. i am not in a good head space. rationally, i know that it is 80% hormonal, but nonetheless, i just spent my entire train ride home fighting tears, only to completely unleash in a full sobbing jag in the car and for the past 15 minutes.
i am so tired of people telling me how big i am. of people saying, "wait, you're not due till january?! wow!" of people exclaiming that i look like i'm ready to pop. what is it about pregnancy that makes people completely forget their manners? just because i'm pregnant and i have a legitimate reason for an expanding belly doesn't automatically mean that i'm totally comfortable with the idea of an expanding belly.
i have gained 17 pounds since i got pregnant. i have never weighed this much in my life, and while i know that i am gaining weight because i'm creating and nourishing and nurturing a human being, it is unnerving to realize that my little 5'3" body is carrying 17 extra pounds. i know it's just a number on a scale, but it's a scary number, and one that i've never seen before.
having people constantly remind me that i'm "so big" is not helping. i am big for 25 weeks - i know i am. but i am a little person. i am short-waisted. i have nowhere for this baby to go but out. and i have 15 weeks to go, which means that i am only going to get bigger. and more uncomfortable.
i am also tired of people telling me that i'm going to have a big baby. or that he's going to come early. a big baby or an early baby are not things that make a mama-to-be happy to hear, despite what you may think. a big baby terrifies me, for a number of reasons. the first being that i want him to be healthy. i am already feeling like i'm having trouble processing sugar, so the idea that my baby is big is extra scary, because all i can think about is gestational diabetes and macrosomia. the second reason is because i want to have a natural delivery, and i know that if we have a big baby, the chances of that are slim. the last reason is that i want to have a full-term delivery. i know that babies are considered full term at 37 weeks, and that's great, but i'd like to keep him cooking for as close to 40 weeks as i can. yes, at this moment, baby is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, but our ultrasound tech assures me that he's still falling well within the normal range and i shouldn't worry.
and today, i just feel huge. i am uncomfortable. my back aches. my stomach feels so stretched it's like it's trying to detach itself from my body. i am not a happy pregnant woman today. and having 3 people tell me i'm ready to pop and that my big baby is coming early is not helping. i feel overwhelmed and scared and sad. right now, i just want to crawl into a hole and finish out this pregnancy with just me, matt, and my family. i want to stop seeing people. i want to stop having people on the street stare at me like i'm a freak of nature.
but most of all, i just want people to stop commenting on my belly. is that too much to ask?