ugh

another day, another bfn.  i feel like my body is cheating me.  all i want to is to know, one way or the other.  if it's really negative, then ok.  i'll be sad, but we'll rally and try again.  if it's positive, then i can finally let out this breath i've been holding for a week and move on with my life.  right now i feel like i'm in this terrible state of limbo.  and it's killing me.

before i took the test this morning, i actually talked to the baby that i hope is growing inside of me right now.  i told it, "i know you're shy, but i promise to take care of you and protect you.  all i want is to know you're there."  still nothing.  if he/she is in there, he/she's taking her time letting us know.

i can't help but wonder if i'm doing this to myself.  if i have myself so anxious about it, that i'm now psyching myself out and causing my body to be later and later.  i'm having no other symptoms right now.  not of pregnancy, but not of my period, either.  this morning i feel a little nauseated, but i think it's just all the anxiety.  so i'm stuck.  waiting.

matt thinks i should call the doctor.  we do have off on monday, and maybe even if she won't see me, i can at least hear some reassurance from her.  i mean, it's nice to read it on the internet, but hearing it from a professional may calm my nerves a little.  and who knows, maybe she'll even say "come on in and let's run a blood test."  it's possible, right? 


all i know is i'm feeling a little lost right now.