mood

i am in the shittiest mood ever.  i am cranky and pissy and just plain miserable.  i really need to just go home and go back to bed.

i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my bbt dipped this morning, which is a sign that i'm about to get my period.  which means, of course, that i'm not pregnant.  i still don't have my period, so i guess there's some hope yet, but i'm feeling terribly pessimistic this morning and have pretty much convinced myself that af will be arriving any second now.  to make matters worse, matt is going away on his annual guys' weekend trip on the weekend right before my o day...you know, the most fertile days of my cycle.  he gets back the day before my predicted o day, but i can tell you right now that bd'ing will not happen that day, and probably not the day after.  guys' weekend means a weekend full of boozing, and he usually feels like shit for the entire week after he gets home.  so i can pretty much guarantee that we're not getting pregnant this month, either.  yay.

i just never thought it would take this long.  i mean, i've heard all the stories about people who try for a year or longer, and i always knew in the back of my mind it could take a while.  i just never thought it actually would.  a few years ago, we did get pregnant and it happened because i had to skip my pills.  for a month.  in one month off the pill, we got pregnant.  obviously, the pregnancy didn't last, but that's a whole other issue that i'm not going to get into right now.  maybe some day.  and i know it was 5 years ago and my body was much younger, but still.

i know it's only been 4 months, but it feels like an eternity.  now that i'm ready, i'm ready.  i just want to get pregnant and have a baby and start our family!  in a way, it feels like my body is betraying me.  i'm sad and i'm angry.  i have so many emotions coursing through me, i feel like i'm going to explode.  every little thing feels like a personal attack or like someone has set out with the sole purpose to piss me off.  the intern who can't understand why i didn't see a patient because i spent 1.5 hours of my life wasting my time in rounds today?  yeah, totally bit his head off.  doctor told a patient she can get a cab voucher from us, even though she lives 20 blocks away and could totally afford to pay for a cab herself?  yep, just bit that intern's head off, too.  all these emotions are cranked up inside me and i feel like i'm either going to burst into tears or punch someone.  i'm giving myself a headache, and i feel like if i don't calm down soon, i'm gonna go into full-blown migraine meltdown mode. 

plus, the full moon is on thursday, and that means the hospital is about to take a visit to crazytown, and i'm not looking forward to it.  seriously, patients go nuts around the full moon.  it is 2 days away, and i have 4 psych patients on my floor.  psych placements suck the life out of you.  just one psych placement can take 4-6 hours.  i am looking at probably 2, if not 3, placements.  already.  it's gonna be a fun week.

i need to go home and snuggle with my cat before i hurt someone.