doing the impossible

i have the first stage of my sequential screening tonight.  sequential screening, for those not aware, is a series of bloodwork, ultrasounds, and tests to determine a percentage of risk for congenital defects like down syndrome.  it does not tell you if your baby will have these, it just gives you a percentage of a chance, and then allows you to opt for or out of further testing.  matt and i chose to go ahead with the screening because we decided that we would rather know ahead of time so that we can start to prepare ourselves, our families, and our home for a baby with a disability.  we could look into available resources and be better educated about the prospect of raising a child with said disability.  it is not a decision we made lightly, and our decision is not the right one for everyone.  but it was what we decided would be best for us and for our family.

anyway, todayis the first stage, in which i'll have some bloodwork taken and i'll also get an ultrasound.  in case you've lost your way, this will be the first ultrasound.  matt isn't going to be coming with me for this appointment.  i am dying to see our baby, but i also don't want to see it for the first time without matt with me.  so i'm thinking about asking the ultrasound tech to turn the screen away from me so i can't see it.  i'll ask her to turn out the sound so i can hear the heartbeat, but i really think i'm going to control the urge and wait to see the baby until our next appointment, which is only one more week away. 

it feels like an impossible goal that i'm setting for myself, here.  i mean, the baby will be right there!  just inches from my eyeballs!  but i really want matt with me to share that moment when we first see our baby.  it's so important to me.  so i'm going to suck it up and tell the tech to hide it from me.

am i nuts??