exploring faith

i know i've mentioned before that religion and church were never a big part of my life.  i was baptized at about 18 months old.  my parents took my sister at around the same age, and the pastor at the church told them that she would go to hell since she hadn't already been baptized.  so my sister was baptized when she was 15, when she asked for it.  i never had a formal first communion, and i never was confirmed.  i just one day started going up and taking communion.  i have absolutely no idea if that is even legal, but the way i look at is that jesus simply doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would care about formal ceremonies.  from the little that i've read and heard about him, he seemed like a pretty laid-back, accepting kind of person.  i doubt he cares whether or not i went through some ritualistic thing to receive the sacrament.  at least i'm doing it.  who knows, maybe i'm wrong.  but so far, i haven't been struck down, so i guess it's working ok for everyone involved.

despite all of this, i felt that it was important to get daxon baptized. we scheduled it at the church in hershey where we got married.  pastor cindy gave us a bunch of reading materials related to baptism: a book for daxon about the magic of water, a copy of the baptism program, and a book about baptism for parents and sponsors.  we have asked my sister and anthony to be daxon's godparents (sidenote, are they even considered godparents if they're not catholic?).  i started reading the book about baptism and it really got me thinking about my own faith.

in all honesty, i'm not entirely sure of what exactly i believe in.  i'm not really sure that anyone "answers" prayers.  i think that you can say a prayer and someone hears it, but the ultimate ending to that story is that fate is already decided.  what is going to happen is going to happen, no matter how many people pray for a different outcome.  despite that, i have found that when things are feeling particularly bleak, saying a prayer brings me peace.  i find peace in attending church and putting my concerns and fears and hopes into the universe.  so i think that i believe that there is a higher power that is driving our life, but the direction that it takes and the events that happen are already predetermined. 

and with confessing of sins and all that, i'm not really sure that i believe that confessing my sins to a higher power truly absolves me of that action.  what's done is done.  but i do believe that in the end, all of my indiscretions will be forgiven.  forgiven, not forgotten, which is how i live my own life.

i am still weeding through my thoughts on jesus and being the son of god and the second-coming.  in fact, i am still weeding through a lot of it.  but for now, matt and i have found a local church that we like and we are hoping to attend more regularly and get a bit more involved.  if not for our sake, then for daxon's.