my thoughts on pregnancy

i'm 20 weeks and 1 day in.  if it weren't for this big belly that's popping out of me, i honestly wouldn't even know i was pregnant.  yes, i'm tired, but i have gone through fits of this my whole life.  yes, my tailbone hurts, but that could be from anything.  yes, i'm constantly hungry, but i've had periods like this before, where i'm ravenous all the time.  yes, i'm having food cravings, but cravings have come and gone for me over the years (i specifically remember i went through a salad phase in high school where all i wanted was salad).   i'm not feeling him move yet.  i never experienced any morning sickness or extreme exhaustion.  my complexion is, for the most part (knock on wood), still holding up.

i'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this whole "i'm creating a human being" thing.  despite the fact that i've now had 6 ultrasounds and have seen my baby pretty much every other week since 12 weeks, i just still can't comprehend the fact that there's a little person growing inside of me.  i just don't feel like i really believe it yet.

because of this, i sometimes feel like i'm faking my excitement.  i just don't know how to get excited about something when i can't believe that it's real yet!  i thought maybe once we knew the sex and i could define a "personality" to the baby i'd feel differently, but it still just kind of feels surreal.  maybe once i start feeling him? 

don't get me wrong, i am so excited that we're going to have a baby.  i have wanted to be a mama for as long as i can remember, and i cannot wait to meet this little dude.  i can't wait to hold him in my arms, smell him, and smother him with kisses.  i can't wait to see matt as a daddy. 

i just can't believe it's actually happening, that's all.