Friday, April 13, 2012

chunks of time

something i've noticed about this whole ttc journey is that i feel like i'm living my life in 2 week chunks.  that's how everything seems to break down.  when i get my period, then i'm waiting 2 weeks for o day.  once i ovulate, then i'm waiting for 2 weeks to [not] get my period.  and each 2 week time frame feels like the longest 2 weeks in the world.

it's just that i'm so desperate to get pregnant.  it no longer feels like something i want, it's become something i need.  i'm trying to suppress that, though.  i remind myself to take a step back and look at my life and remember that i am really happy with where it is right now.  would a baby make it sweeter?  yes, absolutely.  but does my life need to be sweeter?  no, not really.  it's pretty freaking awesome as it is.

but when you're in the thick of this ttc journey/battle, it's hard to have that perspective.  making a baby sort of becomes the be-all-end-all and it becomes the primary focus of everything you do.  with every single decision i make, i'm thinking "is this the right thing to do, what if i get pregnant, what if we have a baby, what if..."  and i have to keep remembering i can't put my life on hold for a bunch of what-ifs.

millions of women every year have babies without planning their lives out in 2 week increments.  without stopping themselves from doing their favorite activities.  without thinking in 2 week chunks of time.  sometimes when we're making plans, i will literally sit and think to myself, "but that's right around my o date, i should stay home and take it easy."  why?  pregnancy isn't going to happen any easier if i'm laying around on my ass waiting for it!  i have to try to remember to let go and live in the moment.  no good can come of sitting around and wishing my life away.


Jessica said...

Hope you get that big fat positive soon my dear <3

Mrs. C. said...

omg, this is my life right now. Thanks again for making me realize I'm not alone. I feel so crazy sometimes! All I can think about is baby!