Friday, April 27, 2012

on my heart

i recently found out that a coworker of mine is pregnant.  this is her 5th baby to a 4th baby-daddy.  she is desperately trying to keep this pregnancy a secret and doesn't want anyone to know about it.  she apparently told another coworker that she doesn't believe in birth control.  um, clearly.

it hurts me to say this, but i'm so mad about it.  here is a woman who just keeps getting pregnant by accident.  she doesn't actually raise any of these kids - her parents do most of the chlid-rearing (she herself has told me this, i'm not being catty and speculating).  she so easily gets pregnant and takes that completely for granted.

and yet, here we are, 7 months into ttc and we're not pregnant.  my fellow ttc'ers on hellobee are struggling.  thousands of women are struggling.  and here she's popping out kids left and right. 

i know it sounds mean.  it sounds bitter and jealous and catty.  and it is.  i don't want to feel this way, but i do.  i'm angry that it's taking us so long to conceive while others do it by accident.  i'm frustrated that my body is failing me.  i'm bitter that a woman who doesn't even seem to want to be pregnant is. 

but mostly, i'm sad.  my heart is so heavy with this news.  i don't want to be a bitter, angry person.  but there it is. 

i just want it to be our turn. 

2 comments:

storiesfromatx said...

Been there! When it came out that Snooki was pregnant I *may* have had a meltdown that night....you know, about why this person could get pregnant and why she DESERVED a baby more than we did. I was completely irrational, but it was upsetting to watch her flaunt around and be like "yeah, I've stopped drinking/partying! I'm gonna be a mommy!"

Not my finest moment.

Jessica said...

I don't think it's mean, jealous or catty! It's totally normal to feel that way.

I'm on the opposite side, as in, my cousin tried for over a YEAR to get pregnant and I found out I was pregnant with my husband accidently. I felt rotton! I felt guilty and I can completely understand her/you feeling the way you do!